Pick-up approach and finding the right mental state

I've finally found some PUA advice that describes approach anxiety in terms that make sense with respect to what I feel. I still don't think "anxiety" is quite the right word, but the core of the description has some relevance, at least, which is something I haven't found with other forms of advice so far.

The source is Andy Yosha, who is the English PUA I mentioned in my earlier post about accents. Mr Yosha's primary product is called "Daygame Blueprint", but it looks like there's a lot of stuff available freely on his website daygame.com (I figure since this is the first place I've found anything useful in these lines, it's fair to give a bit of a plug!) I'm not fully on board with everything Mr Yosha has to say - for example, he displays the typical PUA tendency, even the less misogynistic ones, to be incredibly blinkered to what might actually be going on from a woman's perspective and to describe it all in terms of action/effect (something that I have complained about in mirror image in some feminist theory, as it happens). And I would say from what I've seen that Mr Yosha is definitely less misogynistic than a lot of PUAs.

Anyway, it's this video that caught my eye:

Overcome Approach Anxiety Using State Shifting (NB, when I first read the title, I saw "shapeshifting", which would be really cool but not very practical for most humans!)

Andy Yosha talks about approach anxiety, not in terms of being afraid of a person or even an interaction, but rather by reference to different frames of mind, or "states". It seemed to parallel the "left-brain/right-brain" ideas that I've seen referenced in other contexts.

Basically, what AY says is that most of the time we go along in a "work" state, which is the mode of thinking and doing that best suits our usual (working) environment. This is typically:

• Logical
• Analytical
• Linear (past --- future)

(See also: "left-brain")

In the video, AY says that if you're in this default "work" state, then, "You imagine yourself approaching her, but through the lens of the current psychological state you're in. So you imagine talking to the girl and how you would feel talking to the girl in this state."

How many times have I described my big problem being that I see a woman I want to approach and then need to plan the first few steps of what I'll say? Here. Here. And here, and, yep, here. At least.

What else is that but analytical, linear (past/future planning) and logical thought processes? AY still associates those processes with producing fear, which i really don't experience (I do experience nerves, but more on that in a minute).

The ideal frame of mind for pick-up is, of course "right-brain" feeling (AY calls this "daygame state"):

• Creative
• Spontaneous
• "In the moment"

AY suggests that most people have experienced that frame of mind at some point or another, and the trick is just to get from one to the other. Examples he gives of when you may have experienced it, or when it might be useful, were "some kind of performance", "acting" or "giving a speech in front of thousands of people".

His analogy was that approach anxiety is like when you haven't prepared yourself and got into that performance frame of mind, and you're waiting in the wings ready to go on, and you feel fear because you imagine the performance or the speech from the perspective of the analytical "work state". Basically, it sounds to me like he's saying that approach anxiety is like stage fright.

Now, I experience nerves before setting up to give a performance (see, told you we'd get back to that). My form of performance is usually musical: I sing, play guitar, all that stuff. Sometimes I play a supporting role, but usually it's just me with my voice and/or guitar, in front of - people. Watching. But the nerves don't get in the way of performing in those circumstances. I figure it's normal to feel a bit nervous when you don't know how you're going to come across, but then you go out and do what you do. With music, generally, I can go out and know what I'm going to do, because music is an ordered system, and if I've practised properly then my fingers know what's coming next and I can let the memory take over. The difficulty I have with chatting someone up is that there is no practice for this particular conversation, and it isn't written out in advance - you just have to guess.

It's interesting that my most creative and spontaneous moments come when I'm alone, when I'm writing music, rather than performing it, and where nobody is listening. Alternatively, it's when it's explicitly stated beforehand between a small group of musicians in private that we are "just jamming". I had the thought the other day that maybe I should try thinking of an approach as in invitation to jam together, but if you don't even know what instrument the other person plays, then how do you even agree on a key?

The other idea I had for what might be a "daygame state" for me, is sport. I'm thinking of this post, in which the situation pulled me out of an analytical frame and into a spontaneous reaction frame (I hope it's obvious that I'm not thinking of attempting pick-up as a contest or battle against the woman i want to talk to - although I know some PUAs seem to frame it in those terms). I'm also thinking, possibly, of the way I felt today after I did my exercises, and then decided to belt out a few songs on my guitar just for the heck of it. Maybe what works for me to shift out of "work state" is the physical experience of being in my body (as the advice goes, "go out of your mind and into your senses" - I am still trying to work out how to do that reliably).

The interesting thing was that AY's suggestion for how to get from "left brain" to "right brain" was a "salami-slice" approach. And the first step he suggested was to go into a café or coffee shop and buy a drink, but to ask how the serving person's day is going - then to open up a little about your own day when they ask the same back (as most people will). Now, that's something I tend to do anyway, but it's also interesting that it's also pretty much the basis for the check-out flirt and the telephone interview experience, both of which felt like flirting - is the "flirt mode" I mentioned in the second link, the same as AY's "daygame state", perhaps? Would I be able to maintain that "flirt mode" from a check-out till exchange up to meeting an attractive woman, or would I (as I suspect) be yanked back into the analytical mindset before approaching? I'll be honest - most of the other steps AY suggests would feel very false to me and get me straight back to square one. So if I need more steps than just the first one (which, as I said, is something I do naturally anyway) then I may just have to figure some out myself that will actually work for me. Or maybe I could try carrying a guitar around with me and taking a moment to improvise a tune every time I need to get into creative brain thinking?

The quest for advice that I can use continues, but with this new suggestion of what may be going on, maybe I have a better handle n what might be needed.