Frustrations of online dating: part picky

There are times when I will read a woman's profile (usually a woman's, anyway) and somehow feel that it's just not right. And the thing is, I have a hard time deciding to act on that feeling of not-right-ness and to click the "back" button without sending a message.

What I'm talking about is those situations when there are no clear "red flags", no "deal breakers", not even obvious "turn-offs". There may even be some of the "would be nice" features listed in that post. And yet, somehow it's just not right.

And it seems slightly churlish of me to say, "You tick the right boxes, and yet the answer's still no", especially when my field of dating interest in not that wide to begin with. (For clarification, I'm not saying that to her in an email/memo, but mentally saying it to the inanimate profile that she's put up on my screen through the dating site search engine.)

Now, I am sure PUA types would characterise that as "beta" type thinking, and I guess it is. The unstated premise is that I should be grateful for anything I can get, because supply is limited, I'm not that hot that I can just pick and choose, and all that kind of thing. That's definitely a valid angle to take, but the antithesis of those ideas ("I'm hot, and have plenty of opportunity to pick and choose") isn't really all the helpful as far as I can see, except perhaps for people who need that explicit confidence boost just to get started. Ultimately, though, that attitude to me still seems to be focussed on what others think of you, and on a marketplace mindset that (to me, anyway) seems harmful and takes away from the actual value in having a relationship.

Instead, I approach it from the perspective of what I hope to gain. Not how others see me, but how it feels. I want to be in a relationship, but in particular, I want to be in a relationship with someone whose company will make me happy, whose spirit seems to resonate well with mine - and when they're discordant, we have the foundation to resolve that or get through it. Basically, if I get the feeling from a profile that there's something discordant from the beginning - that is, that happiness is not likely with this person - then it's not going to be worthwhile contacting her, even if, "on paper", she looks like a good match.

It's often hard to pin down exactly what seems discordant in a profile, although I guess it's often some sense I get of implied divergent values or life expectations. Maybe something about he personality just seems like we'd rub each other up the wrong way (do your own double entendres there...) or something. But the point is, I have to keep in mind that the point of this is to find someone who will make me happier, and not someone who will only cause more grief. Reminding myself of this reminds me that it isn't churlish of me to choose not to contact these profiles, and ultimately, those deal-breakers/turn-offs/would be nice/must -haves aren't a neat shopping list or algorithm for finding a partner, such that all women who meet those criteria are eligible. They're the parameters for the search area is all, and in that search area there are still other, intangible, factors to take into account (some of which, I listed above).

And this is also what I have to remind myself of when I reply to women's profiles: just because I seem to tick all the boxes that they put on their description of "the man I'm looking for", it doesn't mean that the intangibles are going to work out for her.