Was I just flirting?!

So today I had a telephone interview for a job working on the London Olympic Games next summer. This was just the initial phase of the interview process, and in general it went well (apparently, I need to focus less on my negatives in interview, but I kind of knew that already). I know it went well, because I got through to the face-to-face interview stage, which will take place over the next 6 weeks or so (I have to wait for the system to update, and then book my slot - so exciting!)

If you bothered to read the heading for this post, then by now you will either be wondering what this has to do with flirting, or else have leapt ahead to the conclusion that at some point in the interview, something happened that afterwards I thought might have been, or be taken as being, flirting.

Indeed, when I played back the interview in my mind, I wondered if somehow practically the entire interview had been me in "flirt" mode. If it was, then it's a bit of a shock because I really didn't think I had one. If it was, I don't think it quite matched the descriptions of flirting that you'll find on a lot of dating and/or pick-up advice sites, but it felt somewhat flirty anyway.

Yes, the interviewer was a woman. What happened was, I had booked a slot in the middle of the afternoon so that I knew I would be at my peak performance levels when they called (that part seems to have worked perfectly). Because I knew when to expect the call, I was sitting by the phone ready for it. The phone rings at the appointed time. I pick it up. What I hear is a woman laughing uproariously. This left me somewhat nonplussed (I mean, who rings a random person just to laugh at them?) I realised very quickly that this was some unfortunate timing issue for the interviewer. Then she explained that this was what it was, saying: "I didn't expect you to pick up the phone so quickly!"

After she checked that I am who she's expecting to speak to, we get into the interview, and I am at my bright, breezy, witty best - humour, intelligence, the lot. Some of the humour is self-deprecating (like, "Hey, I'm just reading my answers off the screen right now!" when she asked if I was good with computers - it was only half-true!) but talked about all the good stuff, and I was having fun. Evidently, I pushed all the right checkbox buttons for the interview process, because I got through to the next round. I also got the feedback that I need to focus less on the negative, as well as her feeding back her assessment of my performance (funny, friendly, approachable - NICE words! I assume that "hot" would have been among them had that been appropriate for the context ;-) ).

The interview concludes, she tells me I'm through to round 2, we say goodbye. I hang up. I frown for a moment, and say to myself, "Was I just flirting there? That felt like flirting!" And it did - or at least, it felt like how people say flirting is supposed to feel, rather than how it usually feels to me!

So if it was flirting, or at least, a mental state similar to flirting - then that raises some questions:

• How does this "flirt mode" relate to my usual self/manner/mode of thinking/behaving?
• Why does it seem that I get into this "flirt mode" in a telephone interview, or at the supermarket checkout, but not when I'm actually wanting to chat someone up?
• Is there a way that I can get into this "flirt mode" by choice, so that I can use it in actual flirting situations, and not just telephone interviews etc?

I think one of the key features of the flirt mode state of mind is that I am projecting myself out there. It's not like an acting role where I am consciously displaying X,Y,Z characteristics, but it's also very definitely not "my usual self" as I am when I am happily going along, minding my own business and generally being the introvert that I am. It is not even a conscious decision to "be myself" (as the hackneyed advice goes) - because that, too, is an acting role where the characteristics X,Y,Z are ones that one thinks belong to this fictional character of "myself". It isn't a conscious mode-switch, but at the same time it is a definite response to the situation and results in a change of role. It's still "me", but somehow more outgoing, and the mental image I have is like a cinema projector sending an image onto a screen (which seems to make the other person into the screen onto which I am sending this projected version of me, which I am not sure is an image that suits, but may be useful anyway). It might be described as me faking it as an extrovert but I don't think that works, because that is a conscious effort when I do it.

As for why it happens in some situations and not others, that question is really hard for me to figure out. I am sure that if I told any PUA/SC guru about it, they would come up with some version of Approach Anxiety as taking me out of that confident, projecting zone, which isn't right; or that somehow I wasn't trying to impress the company on the telephone (Um, hello? It's an interview for a JOB! The whole purpose is to impress them so they want to hire you!)

One clue may be that I think I do this projecting quite often when on the phone, regardless of who I'm talking to. Maybe, therefore, something about face-to-face situations changes how likely the projecting "flirt mode" might be. But in that case, what about the checkout episode, linked above? Another thought is that I function better when I have a clear beginning and social context. A telephone call starts in a definite way (i.e. [Brrrr...brrrr... **click** "Hello?" "Ah, hello, may I speak to so-and-so please?"] - or in the interview situation [brrrbrrr **pick up phone** "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, sorry, I wasn't expecting you to pick up so quickly, is that {my birthname}?"]) It also has a clear context and purpose to the call (usually). Likewise, at the checkout there's a clear social context to the encounter. So, put me in a situation where the clear social context is to get to know members of the opposite sex, and in theory, I would be on top form, just like I was in the interview (especially if I remembered to not display lower value).

I think there is some foundation to the idea that it's something to do with telephone versus face-to-face, because I think part of it may be that I look for feedback a lot from the other person. I just can't figure out how to buy into the whole "she has to want it more than you" mentality that is pushed by a lot of PUA types because at least initially, I have to be wanting it more than her, otherwise I wouldn't be making the move in the first place! So, given that I want a response from her, I'm going to be looking for feedback to see if I'm getting that response. You get more feedback from facial cues, and that means it's easier to see yourself falling flat on your face, making it harder to project and reach out, for fear of over-reaching and overbalancing. On the telephone, you get the vocal cues but not the visual cues, which may make it easier for me to be confident and fearless about my manner and self. Which sort of raises the question of maybe trying a pick-up while blindfolded or with my eyes closed or something! Not sure that's a good idea in general, because good eye contact is an important part of appearing confident and not creepy (although possibly a suggestion for a stunt by SimplePickup, but I won't link to them because of the racism, sexism, ableism (which makes me very wary of suggesting blindfolds to them!) and many other -isms that their youtube videos portray, you can Google or search on youtube if you're curious).

Now, the final question was "how to get into flirt mode when I want it?" and that suggestion of "close my eyes to chat up women" crossed over into that territory. But, as mentioned, it's probably not a good option in practice! Might there be other ways to get at the projecting self and be able to engage on that level?

I don't honestly know the answer to that one. The best bet is simply to have a situation where it's set up deliberately to be chatting each other up. The immediate thought with that regard is speed dating, except that 5 minutes feels too short for me to get a handle on whether I like someone or not (according to Wikipedia, research has shown that most speed-daters make up their minds in the first 3 seconds, which seems odd to me). But having a situation where there's some automatic impetus or cause for the conversation, and it's understood that chat-up is the name of the game, seems like the most likely situation where I would get to use "flirt mode" while actually flirting.