NML @ Baggage Reclaim has a post titled Behind every excuse is the real reason. In it, she mentions the idea that whenever a man says he is too busy, it really means that He's Just Not That Into You (see also my notes on Chapter 2.
Compare NML with HJNTIY:
NML:
Likewise saying “I’ve been really busy” gives the impression that you’re so busy (ya know busier than a world leader) that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them whereas saying “I’m not interested / am half-hearted / have been trying to get back with my ex” will not only have you in the position of saying something that most people squirm at and possibly inviting ‘conflict’, but if you’re the type of person that likes to hedge your bets, you may want to keep them as a rainy day option. If anything you’re hoping they’ll take the hint and do your job for you and at the worst of things, you may be hoping the excuse allows you to avail of their ‘usefulness’.
HJNTIY:
"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will disappear from your life."
...
List of common excuses:
* tired from work
* stressed by project working on
...
When a guy is into you he…
* calls
...
* will be up for sex even if he starts work at 4am next morning (even if it's as POTUS)
...
Men ... Prefer not to tell because afraid of reaction ("We are quite sure you will kill us, yourself, or both – or even worse, cry and yell at us.")
Basically, the same points in different orders. And the HJNTIY links explain how I feel about them!
But here's the hypothetical.
Supposing there's a woman dating a man. The man has actually been so busy that he often gets home after work and just collapses, hasn't the energy to call anyone, not even the woman he's dating. She's making excuses for him, he's trotting out the line about being so busy, she's starting to get sceptical of it all (as advised by HJNTIY, or whoever). Let's assume that she likes his basic personality, and they've got on well whenever they've been on dates - he's got a lot of positives and that's why she wants to make excuses for him.
Then, the next time she calls, the tired, bleary-eyed guy says, "Look, I feel like I'm not currently emotionally available for you because of this work I have to get done. That's not fair on you, or on me. I really really like you and wish we could be together, but it's obviously not going to happen until I have my job back in proper order. I'll give you a call in 6 months, and if it's still like this I'll just say "so long" and we forget each other, but if I have things under control where I have the time and energy to treat you the way you deserve, then if you're still looking, I'd like to get back together."
She says, "So, what? You're dumping me and hoping to hook up in the future? or am I just supposed to hang around and wait?"
He says, "It's up to you. I can't give you the time and energy you deserve right now - the proper care and attention that I would like to be able to give you. If I get to a place where I can, I would like a second chance, but it's up to you."
She hangs up, then sobs to her friends how he's dumped her. Later, she reflects on what he was trying to do with acknowledging he couldn't be what she needed at that time.
6 months later, she's still single and looking, and he has managed to delegate some of his responsibilities to very capable underlings, they hired a guy to replace the women who left for a better job at another firm (and whose job our male subject has had to cover as well as his own for the past few months), and now our male subject has much more energy and time available as a result of not doing two jobs at once, and having some help with the one he has got. He's no longer too tired to stand when he gets home. One evening, he looks at his iPhone and sees her number still in it, remembers his promise to her, and gives her a text or a call.
Given that she really liked him before, even when he wasn't attentive enough and that made her sad, here's the question:
Is it a good idea for her to take him back and see if things have really changed?
From his point of view:
Is it a good idea to send that text/make that phone call? If not, what should he have done instead?
- ended it cleanly in the first place and moved on 6 months ago instead of dragging it out?
- deleted her number in his phone (and then got back on the dating scene)?
- texted her and lied that he was still unavailable, just in case she was still waiting?
Personally, I hate burnt bridges, so I would want the option to try again later if I realised that current circumstances were making it impossible (for instance, if I started dating someone and then early on in the relationship, my depression attacked hard and made me emotionally unavailable, I would not want that to ruin my chances forever). I guess this hypothetical is to ask whether there is any advantage to a guy for acknowledging his own current lack of availability, in terms of a future pay-off? (If she has to dump him because he's made her so miserable by not being available, I assume that there would be very little chance of redemption.) Must there be an automatic assumption that if he breaks it off then he was never that interested, or is there a way for a genuinely interested but genuinely (temporarily) snowed-under guy to salvage the situation?
(Of course, there are also the questions of what if she has found someone else in the meantime, and, what if she is now the one who is unavailable due to work pressures?)
So, over to you, dear reader(s): what advice would you give my two star-crossed daters?
I think any fixed black and white rules around this kind of thing are ridiculous, because life isn't so clear cut. The whole "he's/she's not that into you" narrative, which has gotten really popular, was originally about helping people recognize and add up the signs and signals often missed when you're attracted to someone. However, it seems that what a lot of people are now doing is taking that narrative, and making into THE story about dating, extending into final truths what were originally pointers.
ReplyDeleteHaving just been in a situation where I had to break it off after a month of dating because she was totally emotionally unavailable (due to baggage from the previous relationship), I'd say that being honest about where you are at is the best approach, even if the result is that the other person doesn't come back later on. The woman I was seeing was trying to force herself through a lot of anger and grief, which never works. And at the same time, keep changing the boundaries between her and I because she was struggling being open with me. Furthermore, she was really busy, trying to squeeze me in between work and grad school and half a dozen other things. So, the whole situation could look exactly like what Natalie and the other blogger were talking about, but at the same time, wasn't about lack of interest.
I'm actually convinced there are a certain percentage of people at any given time who might be genuinely interested in someone, but who have too much shit to deal with in their own lives, and either think they can still pull off a relationship (like my ex), or are afraid of loosing that someone and so try to keep them on the hook in a haphazard way until they have more time/energy to date.
The rest of the "I'm really busy types" fit into that "not interested" category. But I think the signs and signals are probably different. If you look closely enough, someone in this group probably never showed much interest in who you are as a person.
There are a lot of problems with the HJNTIY narrative, and I think it should be used with some caveats. Myself, I think I could give credit to a guy who had the self-awareness to recognize that they are just not in a place to give themselves fully, and that it's UNFAIR to keep someone dangling.
ReplyDeleteAlso as far as whether or not he should call.. well, life is short. If he's able to handle the possibility of being rejected then go for it.