Standards, checklists and the like (dating stuff!)

About a week ago, Nathan @ 21st Century Relationships wrote about the unrealistic checklists that a lot of people on the dating scene or dating websites seem to carry around with them (he calls it "the Assembly Line of Hot", but really it's not so much assembly-line as tailor-made to order, surely?).

Nathan notes that having standards is important, but there comes a point where the standards become impossible to achieve, and really, it's a wishlist rather than "these are the things I need". "Would be nice" takes the place of "must-have". I thought that it might be an idea to sit down and think about what my "deal-breakers" and "must-haves" are on the one hand, and the "would be nice" and "dislikes/slight turn-offs".

Long-time readers will know of my previous post about my standards versus PUA/HJNTIY standards, and also the follow-up "things that annoy me on dating profiles". This is not the same as those, although obviously drawing on some of the same material!

It turns out that there are more "deal-breakers" than "must-haves", and I could only decide on a small number of "dislikes" and "would be nice". No appearance criteria, because although it's not entirely unimportant, there just isn't any way to be specific about what I like or don't like in a person's looks, that you can call it a criterion as such. I also left out kink-related criteria because from a vanilla dating site and/or first (couple of) dates, that's unlikely to be something I could test!

So anyway, my criteria, from worst (deal-breakers) to best (must-haves):

Deal Breakers:

• Smoking
• Embracing of/accepting of homophobia/transphobia
• Ditto, racism
• Right-wing politics (i.e. allowing private business to screw everyone else, and doing nothing to help the victims)
• Jealous/controlling (i.e. expecting a veto over how I spend time with female friends)
• Fatphobia (although, let's be fair, the fact that I am fat would probably make it a deal-breaker for her, too!)
• Judging prospects/ambition/worth by financial measures.
• Hypocrisy/double-standards in criteria (especially if it's "men are this, women are that" type stuff)
• Favourite activity appears to be getting drunk with friends (i.e. photo is drunk-looking partier and favourite hobby is "going out with mates" or similar)

Dislikes/turn-offs:

• Always travelling (i.e. a long list of places they've been, and a longer list of places they want to go - just settle down, already!)
• Seems too busy to fit a relationship into their over-packed life (travelling is kind of a special case of this)
• Pandering to heteronormative stereotypes of male desires/interests (e.g. "I totes know the offside rule, so you don't need to explain it to me, aren't I attractive for that reason?!" - see also double-standards point in "deal-breakers")
• Puts herself down, e.g. on appearance/intellect

Would be nice/definite attractors:

• At least a little bit nerd/geek/dork oriented (like me!)
• Musical/creative
• Can follow my train of thought (i.e. has a certain level of education/knowledge background and therefore knows some of my references)
• Light-hearted/easy-going (can get me to chill if I get too serious/overthink-y)

Must-haves:

• Feminist (even if it's of the "I'm not a feminist, but..." variety, or just being open to the ideas of feminism)
• Sex-positive
• Open-minded
• Pays as much attention to me as I do to her
• ... A pulse (no zombies or sex robots, please!)

Acceptance of my non-gender-conformity, and more generally of others' non-conformity, is a strong theme in the "deal-breakers" and "must-haves". "Feminist" is also a test for genuine independence and ability to communicate her desires clearly - both of which are very important to me. The jealousy/controlling deal-breaker would never have occurred to me to include until I started using OkCupid and discovered how many women think that seeing an ex who's a friend, or spending the night with a female friend, is a problem for them. Trust, and recognising that my friends are important (and not rivals!), are pretty key. I view judging anyone by the size of their wallet/paycheque as being intolerably shallow. As for drinking, it's okay to get drunk every so often, but for me, I want to be with someone who has fun when they're sober, also.

Most of the things in "would be nice" are about ease of communication, while most of the "turn-off/dislike" entries can be described as "things that make me feel uncomfortable". For example, the "travel" urge makes me feel like she won't be satisfied with my more stay-at-home Cancerian instinct (does that make me "clingy"? Probably, but I try not to make it a problem for others that I am). Being too busy obviously carries the risk that I'll feel like I don't get back the attention I put in (see the "must haves" list!). Heteronormative stereotypes make me feel like I will be asked to be something I'm not (i.e. a "real man") and forced into that social straitjacket of performative masculinity, so I cannot relax and be myself. Putting herself down makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like (a) I have to be the strong one and (b) it's a criticism of me for "settling" for her (it sort of says that I have poor judgement if a woman I'm attracted to is unattractive, no?)