Songs that can blow you away

I just finished watching on television the first ever BBC Comedy Prom (available on iPlayer for UK readers at least), which had Tim Minchin as MC and occasional performer.   There were some terrific turns by the various artists and I spent most of it in tears of laughter.

Perhaps predictably (it seems to be his biggest hit), Mr Minchin finished with "Not Perfect":



(This isn't the video of the Comedy Prom performance, but that one doesn't seem to be available yet)

This song doesn't make me laugh, and the laughs maybe grate a bit.   Because this song can me cry with sadness - when I heard it with a beautiful orchestral backing, as at the Prom performance, I was in floods of tears.   I have, of course, heard the song before.   There is, I suspect, a reason why at the last filk convention I went to, I think I heard about half a dozen versions of it, albeit some with parody lyrics.   But this time, maybe because of the context, maybe because of the arrangement with the orchestra, or maybe because of something else in my brain or my life at the moment, this one hit me hard.

For me, the lyrics hit right where I am most vulnerable, expressing things about both my depression and my recovery from/coping with it.   This passage, of course, is real toughie, as regular readers will understand from my issues growing up with a BDSM sexuality:

This is my brain, and I live in it

...

It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my screwed up thoughts can hide
Cos God forbid I hurt somebody

There's a lot of moments like that in the song: moments that somehow strike right at the torments that my mind conjures from my life so far.

Listening to it, I was practically breaking down tonight, and I know at least one friend who will read this as indicating I should still be on medication.   I reject that, I feel that it would hurt me more if I didn't feel these things, it would feel like I was disconnected from my life (and, let's face it, that's a lot of what depression feels like!)   I may be broken, but don't you dare to fix me!

Because, guess what?   This is my brain, and it's fine.   It's where I spend the vast majority of my time**.   It's not perfect, but it's mine.   And I'm slowly getting the hang of how to work it, so just because I have the occasional breakdown like this song causes, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, even if I am broken.

To prove how funny how the show was, here's Mr Minchin's performance of "F Sharp" from the Prom concert:



** When I did counselling skills in 6th Form, in my final assessment the tutor suggested to me, "Get out of your mind and into your senses". Still working on how to do that!