Frustrations of online dating - part: "analyse my profiles to death"

After last night's bitchfest about blank/incomplete dating website profiles, it occurred to me that I have never actually posted anywhere in my bloggery the text to my 'nilla dating website profiles (my kink-based personal ad text is available with the "BDSM application form" blog). I've run it by some people before but the more input the better and, hey, why not let you folks chip in as well? If I don't like what you say, I can always ignore it!

One problem I run into, which is the primary frustration referred to in this post's title, is the tension between my essential kink-based sexuality, and the need to appeal to someone who might not (yet) be aware that zie has kink-type desires (Staci Newmahr's assertion that it might be possible to "learn" or acquire kinkiness notwithstanding). At what level can I safely pitch my hints about my kink, without coming across as uber-creepy or worse?

With that issue noted, here's the "base text" that I use in more-or-less copy-pasted structure on most of my non-kink dating personal ads:

I don't believe in horoscopes but I'm a typical Cancer in so many ways, which means I can be a bit shy or slow to open up - but get under my shell and I'll stand by you forever.

The sort of person I'm hoping to meet is someone who's confident in herself but can let go of everything and relax into my arms as well. I think I'm a very romantically-minded person overall, although my sense of humour is quite filthy at times so hopefully you'll share that (or at least not be shocked by it!) I would certainly like to meet a date who shares my love of both the silly and the sublime, who's happy going straight from deep thoughts to tears of laughter.

I'm a musician and songwriter in my spare time, and play (in order of increasing size) ukulele, guitar and double bass. I still hold out hopes of becoming a rock star, although I do seem to be leaving it a little late for my bid for glory! I've also been learning ballroom and Latin dancing, but starring on "Strictly..." is rather a long way off! I'll give you a slow, romantic waltz around the floor any day, though.

So give me a message and I promise I won't bite (unless you're into that, of course!)

It appears exactly thus on match.com (where my profile is essentially defunct, as the cost/return ratio is too low to be worth my while paying, and I cannot even check messages received without doing so), and with various tweaks on a couple of other sites, including Midsummer's Eve and My Single Friend (MSF is another paysite, and has also lapsed into disuse; ME has free messaging).

As you see, the main kink hint is "I promise I won't bite (unless you're into that, of course!)" The "relax into my arms" bit is also intended as a subtle reference to BDSM submission while using a strongly 'nilla trope to talk about it. The reference to my dirty sense of humour is also intended as a screen for people shocked by kinky stuff, but is also absolutely a true fact about my personality.

My OkCupid profile looks a bit different, and is more up-front about my kink leanings, because the set-up with the match questions and personality charts means I can screen for kinkiness of a potential date before I email, and because the questions make it easier for people to see what my leanings are even if I don't reference them in the profile.

Here's what the OkCupid profile looks like (double square brackets are used as code for the website to link to shared interests):

People who know what they're talking about (by virtue of knowing me or having been in a relation ship with me) call me several things, but most of all they say I am "sweet", "caring", "complex" and "attentive". They also call me a sadist, and that's only partly because of the dreadful [[puns]] I like to inflict upon the ears of those nearby.

I seem to be a huge bundle of paradoxes, dichotomies, contradictions and dilemmas.

I am very romantically-minded, but also completely filthy-minded (it's not that I have a one-track mind, rather all the tracks lead to the same place... the sewer!)

I love company, but am rather shy as well as being introverted (that is, being around people uses up energy rather than boosting it).

I love deep thinking, about things like [[philosophy]], [[science]] and [[religion]] - but love absolute silliness as well (not to mention [[trashy novels]] and lowbrow [[comedy]]!)

I am calm and confident, but at the same time usually a complete bundle of nerves.

I naturally take control, but only when I have been told it's okay for me to.

I am easy-going, but fierce about things and people I care about.

And many other similar couplets!

I am very creative, my favourite forms of expression are music, poetry and fiction. I also write my thoughts about the universe at a blog (well, more than one, actually - I keep a different one for the really filthy stuff!). I play guitar, double bass, mandolin, ukulele, recorder, a smattering of keyboard, a bit of banjo and whatever else comes to hand (if it's got strings you can pluck, I can usually get a tune out of it).

I have recently been writing a serial/novel set in a world where magic has the same status as technology, and a secret government has produced cyborg secret agents. It's a relationship-oriented story.

I love sports, and wish I had taken more of an interest in playing when I was younger, really (who knows where that might have led?) I love [[cricket]], association [[football]] ([[soccer]] for the colonials!), [[rugby]] league and union, [[American football]], motor sports and various others.

Other interests include:

I've been learning [[ballroom]] and Latin dancing (starring on "Strictly..." is rather a long way off, though!)

The English language and its history.

[[Mathematics]].

[[Camping]] (I can be very camp when I want to be!) (Sometimes I feel like a teepee and sometimes I feel like a marquee - my doctor told me I'm two tents...).

[[Hiking]].

A couple of other titbits:

I really have no tolerance for alcohol - one or at most two pints is my limit (three and I'm yours for the night!)

I once wrote a scientific paper about how to create a game of zero-gee football.

It's longer, because OkCupid wanted me to write 1,000 words about myself to bring it to "100% complete". The text draws more from the kink profile than from the 'nilla profile, but is toned down because OkCupid is 'nilla as well as kink dating. It is, however, more aimed at someone who knows they have a kink interest already rather than someone who might develop such an interest.

So, have at it: what do I get right in my profiles, and where do I go wrong? What should I keep, and what would I do well to delete or change (and what would be a good idea to change it to)? (Bear in mind that changing the facts about myself will at best take a while, and at worst not be possible - for example, losing weight is a long-term project, while not being kinky is absolutely impossible)

[EDIT TO ADD: My OkCupid Profile has been heavily revamped sicne I posted this, at least partly based on the advice given in comments]