Learning to meet more people (and potential dates): Days 1, 2 and 3

Inspired by the threads about Pick-Up Artist (PUA) advice on Clarisse Thorn's blog, and by my own feeling of the biological clock ticking, I decided to try to put into practice some of the stuff discussed there, and linked from the "Ethical PUA" thread especially, but also the discussion thread on "Detrimental attitudes...". I am on many levels deeply suspicious of the PUA approach to these things, and a lot of their advice is just useless to me, or else sufficiently outside my ethical framework as to be beyond my ability to exercise. Nevertheless, some useful tips exist that I can adapt to fit into my introvert personality, or use to work around that to get to what I want (namely, meeting more women and possibly getting to date one or two of them).

Probably the biggest point of advice is from Mark Manson's "Practical Pick-Up" - probably the most obvious thing, really: you get better by trying it out. Practice makes perfect. Getting over shyness or feeling inhibited around women is a matter of quantity of low-level encounters to get you "desensitised" (his word - I'm going to call it "acclimatised" instead). Just about any skill or ability gets better the more you do it, after all - as long as you don't practice it wrongly!

If I've got the lingo correct, PUA usually call this type of post a "field report". I am not going to use that terminology. This is just a progress update, as I attempt to become less shy and inhibited.

So, on to the reports - *ahem* - updates!

DAY 1

Thursday evening, I decided to go out to a pub and see if I could manage to talk to at least one person of the female gender who wasn't paid to talk to me (that is, talking to the bar maid didn't count!)

It took me long enough to summon up the courage to go to a bar on my own that I felt that the only one within reasonable distance was the one just up the road, about 100yards from my home. I knew that this was unlikely to be a "target-rich environment", but as far as I was concerned, the idea of going there and feeling like I could talk to a woman if the opportunity arose would be enough to get the ball rolling. As it happened, this has opened up a different opportunity, more of which later.

I nearly bottled it entirely. Walked past the pub, glancing through the windows to try to figure out if there was anyone there I could talk to. Didn't see any such women, almost decided to turn right around and go home. However, I decided to take the plunge, after all, someone might turn up later, and besides, the point by this stage was to get comfortable with being in a public space as a singleton - so I went in and ordered a drink.

I saw a total of 3 female customers, maybe 4. One was clearly on a date with a guy. Another was surrounded by 4 men, making approach utterly impossible from my point of view. The third was in another part of the bar and I was not confident enough (or was too self-conscious) to walk around there without some secondary purpose in mind that I could act uninterested if it turned out that she was also on a date with someone. Basically, I did bottle it a bit. Nevertheless, I had it in my mind that if a woman or group of women arrived, then I would make the effort at least to say hi and offer the prospect of conversation. It never happened, but feeling in that frame of mind was a step.

DAY 2

Friday was the bank holiday for the Royal Wedding, but I went to the supermarket for some basic groceries that were running low. I also thought that I might as well try to spark up conversations with women while out shopping.

Most women I saw were either with partners or with a gaggle of children in tow thanks to schools being closed for the bank holiday. All the same, I think I saw five women in total who looked unencumbered by children and not obviously attached. I managed to say something to exactly one of these women - which is one better than I would normally manage, anyway.

On the basis that at this stage, just saying something counts as a success, this successful encounter came thanks to a situation that I felt gave me a natural opening line. It got a smile and nod, but adding a second neutral remark did not go so well, and had the point been other than simply to get on with talking to someone, then it would count as a failure. But there we go. I was more bothered about the other four women to whom I did not speak, than about the slightly annoyed frown of the woman I did speak to.

DAY 3

The previous two days were building up to today, when I knew I had to go to the Big Town to pick up a library book I had on order (ironically, or not, it's Eric Berne's "What Do You Say After You Say Hello?" which may or may not prove relevant to pick-up advice). I decided that I might as well make the effort and go all-out to put Mark Manson's advice into action. Setting my sights on a target I believed to be "doable", I decided to try to approach and exchange words with at least five women around the shopping area.

I managed 3.

Mr Manson suggests as an initial exercise, asking 10 women in the space of an hour or two for the time. I realised that I would feel like a right plonker asking the time that frequently, and that would be counter-productive. Nevertheless, the "what's the time, please?" gambit was my first one (another "slightly annoyed look" encounter). The second was noting the woman's demeanour, I remarked that "You look like you've lost someone!" She laughed and said that she had indeed, but that she was sure they would turn up. I agreed that they would, and left her to carry on looking. The third was entirely accidental: I had just visited the cash machine, but I forgot to pick up my cash as I left. the woman queuing behind me called me and pointed out my mistake, I thanked her, and added a quip about it defeating the object of visiting the machine in the first place. She laughed and agreed, and I finished by saying that the machine was "all yours now!" End of encounter.

A few minutes after that, as I was heading back to the bus stop to come home, I had my first real failure - I totally bottled it when I had the perfect opportunity.

This failure was that I saw a woman standing outside a door to the main shopping mall, she had a great hairdo and a flower in her hair (so I even had an option for a flirty opening line available). She looked up and our eyes met briefly, and I looked away. I glanced back, she was looking down again, and I thought to myself, "Go on, tell her you like her hair!" Then she glanced up again, and our eyes met again, and at that moment I really feel I should have changed direction and been bold - walked right up and declared outright what was in my head ("I like your hair!") I didn't. I glanced away all shy again. I felt like a third such eyes-meeting would just have felt creepy s I had to chalk it up as a missed opportunity. By the time I looked back again, she had gone.

Nevertheless, that was a learning experience. I feel as though recognising that the opportunity was there, and that I had the chance but didn't take it that time, is a step forwards. I would never even have recognised that as a chance before. And I will be honest, that glance when our eyes met - I didn't see any suspicion or offence in her eyes, so there was nothing to say I shouldn't approach. So my feeling is that I can be more alert to that sort of chance in future and (maybe) seize it when I see it. It's just a matter of overcoming that ingrained tendency towards displaying embarrassment, and instead choosing to be bold.

All of which leads up to the prospect of Day 4. When I visited the pub on Thursday evening, I discovered something very interesting, and a definite chance to try developing my experience around people (and around women especially). It turns out that every second Sunday, they have a social games evening (cards and board games). This opportunity for adding to my paltry list of social events is ideal, and may well lead to encounters that offer a ready-made situation for starting conversation.

The main thing I have noticed about my inhibitions surrounding approaching women, is that I have a general (i.e. not gender-specific) inhibition about interrupting someone. Not just in terms of them having a conversation with someone else (a large number of the women I saw were in pairs or groups who were talking to one another most of the time). If a person looks "busy", or "engrossed", or "in a hurry", then I feel that it is rude to break into their focussed mental state. I just think how annoyed I would feel if someone did that to me. The woman whom I asked to give me the time did not look that busy or focussed, but her look of annoyance was what I associate with, "Who's this interrupting my train of thought!?" The question is, is it possible to find many people in casual situations (i.e. not set up for the purpose or opportunity of meeting others) who don't at least look as though they are "busy"? Is it, or can it be, ethical to push past that barrier and interrupt the other person as they go about whatever it is they are going about, for no other reason that to attempt a pick-up? Is it possible to tell the difference between those who actually are busy (and would be unhappy about an interruption) and those who only look as though they are busy, but might have time to exchange a few words at least?

Regardless of those considerations, when I see a woman who does not look "busy", I can do better on simply going for it. I am not good at this: I overthink just about everything, and saying "hello" to someone I've never met before is certainly no exception. So "just go for it" is a problem. It's much easier if I can picture what I'm going to say first in advance.

Well, tomorrow, expect a further update after the games evening!