On wishing to feel desired

It's curious how things crop up just when you start thinking about posting about them. This time, I was mulling over writing about my wish as a man to be not always the hunter but sometimes the hunted, in the dating game. Then, via a fascinating piece by Maymay about "gaze theory", I found this post from 9 months ago, about women "naturally" wanting to feel desired. The writer identifies as "The Dating Coach for The Professional Woman".

As regular readers may already know, I am very unhappy about the conception that women "naturally" want to be chased, and men are "naturally" the chasers. A huge amount of my criticism of He's Just Not That Into You hinged upon my displeasure at the authors' insistence that this was just the way it should be. Specifically, the imbalance that for women "You, the superfox, are worth asking out" (direct quotation from Chapter 1 of HJNTIY) but for the man, it's always "prove you're worthy" (implied but not directly stated in HJNTIY).

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What follows is more-or-less just what I was planning to write anyway (the above serves as a preamble noting that the topic was mentioned elsewhere).

For all the dark and "evil" desires I have as a BDSM Dominant and sadist, the bottom line is that I am a big softy. I am emotional and human and can be vulnerable. This makes life difficult as a man in a world where masculinity is defined by the renunciation of vulnerability and emotions.

It is normal to say that a woman wants to feel wanted, but men are supposed to be the ones who do the wanting. It's as though there is no need to feel wanted in return (or maybe it's assumed that every woman wants the man who wants her?)

But I definitely do want to feel wanted. I want to know that I am desirable, and desired. I want to receive some of the energy that I extend. Ari @ Geeking Sexuality wrote recently:

I think this kind of insecurity about being wanted, is also clear in the way a lot of otherwise really good men I know, really can't touch base with how being cat-called and whistled at on the street is frustrating and objectifying instead of flattering. They generally don't do it, because we say that it's upsetting, but I've lost count of the number of times I've heard/read of men saying, "If some woman whistled at me walking down the street, I'd be thrilled."

While street harassment is usually less about actual pursuing than it is about reinforcing hierarchical power status (and/or performing masculinity for the benefit of other men), there is some truth in this: men put out so much seeking/wanting energy that it can end up as a surfeit on the receiving end. It becomes threatening. But getting some back would be nice. (It's worth mentioning on this point that I believe that men who say "if some woman whistled at me..." have it wrong - in terms of the power dynamic, for men to understand what it feels like for a woman we would do better to imagine "if some big, muscled, stronger-than-me guy whistled at me..." - but that's a topic for another post).

It is hard for me to feel desirable and to believe that I can be desired. If no one tells you that you are wanted and if no one shows pictures of people like you as "wanted" then from where do you get the idea that you can be wanted? But if you struggle to believe in your own desirability, then how can you ever believe that you have the wherewithal to chase and catch a desired partner?

The fact is, I am fat (my preferred term is "tubby bitch"). I do not conform to conventional standards of male attractiveness. The small number of people with whom I have had relationships have told me I am good-looking, but it is always hard to believe that someone is going to look at me and say to themselves "Phwoar, not 'alf, I'd do him alright!" (or sentiments to that effect).

Channel 4 have recently been running a series with the rather problematic title of "Beauty & The Beast: The Ugly Face of Prejudice". I will probably dedicate a post to the series once it's finished, but for now I want to observe one thing: the series has 6 episodes to it, each one partnering a "beauty" (someone obsessed with making their appearance conform to attractiveness standards) with a person with some kind of facial disfigurement. So far, we know that 5 of the 6 "beauties" are women, and I'm willing to guess that episode 6 will be the same; however, 2 out of 5 of their partners have been men (and the disfigurement-awareness activist who uses himself as an example in testing the public's attitudes during the show is also a man). I know that there are male beauty-obsessives who work very hard to conform their bodies to the ridiculous standards of society, and I find it hard to believe that they couldn't find one or two who would be interested in the show. It seems that to Channel 4, men can be "ugly" but not "beautiful".

I think this desire to feel wanted, or at least, to feel that there is a possibility that I will be wanted in return if I signal my own desire, is one reason why I use dating websites to try to meet people. If their profile describes "who I'm looking for" as something resembling me then that is at least a crumb of a signal for desire. It may turn out that I am still not close enough to the ideal "who I'm looking for" to be worth a response but there is enough of a hint to make it seem worthwhile investing emotional energy into a message. But it still requires investment for a low probability of return.

Last year (2010) I sent out almost 100 messages on various sites to potential partners as a "first contact", but received only one speculative email "first contact" from someone else (and it turned out that that was probably from a scam artist anyway). I actually probably got more replies than the average, but that may be because many of the messages I sent were on free-subscription services (According to the sums done by OkTrends' blogger, one can expect a 1% return on messages sent on paid subscription sites). As it happens, one reply I received led to a relationship. The fact remains, though, that for the whole year I was never being chased, and no one was expressing a genuine interest in me, a desire that I should be theirs (and they, mine), until after I had shown my interest.

I reject being a chaser, for several reasons, all of which are really bound up in the over-arching concept of self-respect. This goes back to the quotation in the preamble to this post from HJNTIY. The writers of that book tell women that they should respect themselves enough to let men come to them. Well, I turn that around and say what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander - I respect myself enough not to go chasing.

One big reason is that chasing inevitably means facing rejection. Some men are okay with this, and play the percentages - make enough approaches, face enough rejections, and eventually someone will say yes. Some men know or believe themselves to conform closely enough to male attractiveness standards and do not face rejection as much (some of them to the point of being unprepared for it when it comes). Some men believe they have a "magic formula" that guarantees acceptance (and again, are incredibly peeved when they are rejected anyway - pick-up artists etc). But to me, and I am sure to a lot of other male-identified folks, a rejection is another knock, another "you are not attractive", another blow to the psyche and to one's self-image. Astute readers will already have done the sums themselves on the figures I gave before: nearly 100 rejections last year (either tacit or explicit - even on the pay sites, where it's uncertain whether the recipient could even read the message let alone reply, it still feels like a rejection).

I have been told by some women that I should send a follow-up message after the first one, to show that I am serious about my interest. I reject that because not least, it seems like asking for another knee to the balls. Also, it smacks of desperation. If I have to chase that much, then it implies to myself even if to no one else, that I don't believe myself able to attract anyone. Most of all, though, if a woman is making me chase her then it shows her lack of respect for me. It says that she does not see me as desirable in my own right but only for what hoops she can make me jump through. Even though in my darker moments of loneliness I actually am desperate, and question my attractiveness, and think I might try again, the thought that she wants me to jump through hoops is enough for me to say that she is not attractive, and probably harmful for me to be with her. (And of course, if she's not interested at all, then it's just asking for another knee to the bollocks, so I can save myself another dose of emotional torture by not bothering).

Yet here I still am - still having to do the chasing on at least that initial level of being the one who plays an active role in searching, in sending out the first messages, taking a chance on being cut down and rejected (or ignored), paying the emotional cost. Always asking to be chosen instead of doing the choosing.

I wish I could settle for being single, but ultimately I deeply want to be coupled with one (or more - I'm not completely averse to poly) person long-term. It's not a question of needing someone else to complete me, but at the same time being single feels distinctly below average! Ideally, I would just wait. And wait. And wait. Until eventually someone does decide that I am right and makes her first move. But I am not patient enough for that, the below-averageness eats away at me. So I am torn, balancing the need for self-respect and wanting to be desired against the desire for a partner and the need, since people don't approach me first, to make the first move.

Honestly, this is one reason why I identify as feminist (and feminist-ally): feminism makes women better able and freer to make the first move.