I came up with a list, probably incomplete, of different ways in which - in a sexual context - I feel that I lost my virginity, or indeed still have it.
This list requires a few introductory notes. Firstly, by "X-in-Y" I am referring to the person inserting tab X into slot Y is losing hir X-in-Y virginity; the person losing hir Y or "X sex - Y" virginity is the person whose slot Y has had an X inserted into it - e.g. the terms "Finger-in-Vagina" and "Finger sex - Vaginal" are reciprocal - I lost my "Finger-in-Vagina" virginity when I inserted my finger(s) into a partners vagina; at the same time, if it was her first time receiving that form of sexual contact, she would be losing her "Finger sex - Vaginal" virginity. Special mention for "Vagina-in-Mouth" - by the formulae I've described here, that corresponds to "receiving cunnilingus".
I've more-or-less sorted these into "sex" and "BDSM" categories, although there's probably some overlap and it's hardly precise delineations I'm using here.
The observant reader will notice that I referred to these as virginities I feel I either have, or have lost. But I am a basically cis male, and have listed vaginal forms of sex in here. Some would argue I can never have such a virginity and can't lose it either. I just say that this is about how I, personally, feel about these acts. On one level, it is about feeling that I wish I had a vagina so that I could lose my vaginal forms of virginity, and experience vaginal sex for myself instead of just reading about it.
In all of these, I feel that I have lost my virginity only if I have done the act with someone else; I don't feel that I have lost my anal virginity from fucking myself with a dildo in my arse, for example (and that reminds me, I haven't mentioned toys in this list - I did say I felt it was incomplete!) I would only feel I had lost my anal virginity if someone else had put their cock (flesh or strap-on or other) into that particular hole.
In the list, I've noted those that I feel I have or haven't lost, and where I haven't, whether I want to at some point. (This is a bit like a BDSM checklist in that respect!)
I think that's everything I need to say in introduction, so now - the list!
- Vaginal _ Not, want to but can't
- Anal _ Not, want to
- Cunnilingus _ Not, want to but can't
- Fellatio _ Not, want to
- Penis-in-Vagina _ Lost
- Penis-in-Mouth _ Lost
- Penis-in-Anus _ Lost
- Vagina-in-Mouth _ Not, want to but can't
- Finger sex - Vaginal _ Not, want to but can't
- Finger sex - Anal _ Not, want to
- Finger-in-Vagina _ Lost
- Finger-in-Anus _ Lost
- Fisting - Vaginal _ Not, want to but can't, think it would make me very nervous to try but would want to try it.
- Fisting - Anal _ Not, want to but very nervous about it (see above!)
- Hand-in-Vagina _ Have tried with previous partners but my big bass player's hands seemed too big and didn't want to risk forcing it
- Hand-in-Anus _ See above
- Same-sex _ Not, want to
- Opposite-sex _ Lost
- Kissing _ Lost
- French kissing (kissing w/. tongues) _ Lost
- Bondage (Top) _Lost
- Bondage (Bottom) _ Lost
- Sadism (doing) _ Lost
- Masochism (experiencing) _ Lost
- CP - e.g. flogging, spanking, caning, crop etc (Top) _ Lost
- CP - e.g. flogging, spanking, caning, crop etc (Bottom) _ Although I have been spanked briefly, it didn't feel like it crossed a line so I don't feel like I have lost this one. Want to, though.
- Hot things (Bottom) - e.g. wax, branding, etc _ Not, but want to
- Cold things (Bottom) - e.g. ice, refrigerated toys, etc _ Not, very ambivalent/uncertain about willingness to try
- Electroplay _ Not, VERY VERY want to!
- Cutting (Top) _ Not, don't want to
- Cutting (Bottom) _ Not, VERY VERY don't want to!
- Tit/nipple torture (Top) _ Lost
- Tit/nipple torture (Bottom) _ Lost
- Domming _ Lost (a lot!!!)
- Subbing _ Not, but want to go far enough to feel like I had crossed that line!
- Public sex/play _ Lost
I have done hot and cold things with submissive partners, but for me as the Top, neither felt like I had crossed any sort of boundary. Therefore, I don't feel like they represented a virginity that had been lost; however, as a masochist I certainly feel that those new experiences administered by someone else would feel like that had happened, so that's why they appear only from the Bottoming perspective.
It's not for me to tell someone else whether or not any particular act makes hir not a virgin any more, that is down to each individual's boundaries and sense of self, I think. But I do think it's interesting to note how I personally would feel about it and how I would internally categorise it if I were to put it on a simple binary (instead of the multi-variable versions implied by the above list).
Personally, all "slot X into tab Y" for X=fingers, hands, penis or mouth/tongue and Y=anus, mouth or vagina falls into the category of "losing virginity" (note that this definition includes "tongue into mouth", i.e. French kissing, but I'm not sure that that example would feel to me like, when someone told me it, that I, personally, would think of them as sexually active in the same way - I'm not sure I would feel like it had crossed that particular boundary.
I think context and reaction play a huge part in how I feel about it when it comes to BDSM activities - assuming that no "tab X into slot Y" had taken place, but a person's first overtly sexual experience was some form of BDSM activity then I would start to think in those terms, but I think I would completely be guided by how the person felt about what they had done or had done to them; if it had turned them on so powerfully that they felt a bridge had been crossed then I would definitely call that losing one's virginity.
After all this thinking, and the remarks I've made before, during and after the list, my thoughts all lead back to one thing: that virginity is psychological, and personal. Although we do have certain social constructs surrounding the idea or ideal of virginity, what really matters in terms of what it feels like - what it means - is, well, how it feels to the person who feels it.
And that's all I've got.
[EDITED TO ADD:]
BradMillersHero @ Nobody added hir own answers (zie's put "unable" on the Penis-in-Y elements, but not leaping to assumptions about hir gender identification) on a post talking about how we define virginity, and also introduced a few of hir own virginities to the list, which I shall add here. Zie also introduced dildo, food and object sex, for which here I am going to put as many "X sex - Y" and "X-in-Y" forms as I can think of, e.g. "dildo-in-Y" is I put the dildo in someone else's Y, and dildo sex - Y is where someone else put their dildo in my Y (as with the format used in the former list). The answers that appear here are my answers, not those of BradMillersHero. As before, "not" means I have not lost that virginity (i.e. I haven't done that deed), whereas "lost" means I have lost that virginity.
Some of these didn't feel for me like losing a virginity, or I don't feel like they would if I did them, so I've marked those as (blank).
The additions to the list:
- Dildo sex - mouth _ Not, want to try
- Dildo sex - vagina _ Not, want to but can't
- Dildo sex - anus _ Not, want to
- Dildo-in-vagina _ Lost
- Dildo-in-mouth _ Not, want to
- Dildo-in-anus _ Lost
- Object sex - mouth _ Not, want to try
- Object sex - vagina _ Not, want to but can't
- Object sex - anus _ Not, want to
- Object-in-vagina _ Lost
- Object-in-mouth _ Lost
- Object-in-anus _ Not, would be very wary of inserting anything not designed for the purpose.
- Food sex - mouth _ Not, don't want to
- Food sex - vagina _ Not, can't and wouldn't want to
- Food sex - anus _ Not, don't want to
- Food-in-vagina _ Not, want to
- Food-in-mouth _ Not, want to
- Food-in-anus _ Not, want to
- Food licked/eaten from body
- Licking/eating food from body
- Drinking urine _ Not, would be willing to try
- Have urine drunk _ Lost
- Scissoring _ Not, want to but can't
- Water sports administered _ Lost
- Water sports received _ Not, want to try
- Scat administered _ Not, don't want to
- Scat received _ Not, very very don't want to
- Group sex _ Not, no particular desire to
- Masturbation _ (blank)
- With (cis) man_ Not, want to
- With (cis) woman _ Lost
- With trans man _ Not, no particular desire either way
- With trans man full-op _ (blank)
- With trans woman _ Not, no particular desire either way
- With trans woman full-op _ (blank)
- With hermaphrodite _ Not, no particular desire either way
- With intersex _ Not, no particular desire either way
Now, I've put masturbation as (blank) because in the original text of this post I wrote that for me, "I feel that I have lost my virginity only if I have done the act with someone else." Masturbating another/being masturbated by another is mostly covered by other entries in the list, whereas for me, personally, I didn't feel like my first masturbation was a loss of virginity, partly because of that definition I described. I do notice that the following entries (again, using the format above, so "in" means "applied to"...) are missing:
- Clitoral stimulation - hand _ Not, can't but would like to
- Hand-in-clitoris _ Lost
- Vulva/labia stimulation - hand _ Not, can't but would like to
- Hand-in-vulva/labia _ Lost
While there are objective physiological differences about a full-op trans person as compared to a cis person of the same gender, for me personally, my intuition is that those differences would not feel to me like a different type of person/body, any more than one person differs from another, so it doesn't feel to me like a different virginity than losing it with a cis person. Therefore, I have put them as (blank) in this list, and have put the (cis) in brackets because as far as my virginities are concerned, I see cis man and (post-op) trans man to be the same thing, and the same with cis and trans woman. By "no particular desire", I am saying that I would be open to sexual advances from trans/hermaphrodite/intersex folks but have no real urge to seek out such an encounter. I suspect my lizardbrain is still a little bit binary-obsessed in that respect, but as I say, I'm open to it.
Content warning: Lack of Consent.
ReplyDeleteThat's a big issue for me, whether certain experiences "count" as me having lost my "such and such" virginity, if I didn't really *consent* to the experience at the time.
Especially since, for me, my mental reaction and my physical response may not necessarily be the same, I may *actually* have learned something physical about sensations, etc, from a nonconsensual experience, but yet, it still feels so much different to do the same with someone I want to do it with.
Perhaps it's kind of like the difference between whether you feel masturbation "counts" as losing virginity... there's a range of physical acts, but there is also a range of human participation and one's engagement with that which also ties into how one defines their own sexual identity (virginity is just a part of it, I think).
That's a very potent thought, and thank you for raising it, jemand.
DeleteA pretty shallow personal example is that my first ever adult-adult kiss was non-consensual, and I didn't really think of it as "my first kiss", except in the purely physical sense.
I sometimes think that each first time with a new partner is like losing virginity all over again, because everybody is different, has different reactions, engagements with the acts and so on, which also makes my engagement and reactions different.
These questions feel like the sort of thing I can get hold of, but just as I think it's in my grasp there's some other wrinkle and I'm left with only part of it.