Thursday, 29 April 2010

"Not That Into You" chapter 6 notes

Continuing my run through "He's Just Not That Into You" with whatever my brain blurta out to me as I take in the words. Other parts indexed here.

Commonly used abbreviations:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)



Chapter 6: …if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.

Like with ch. 5, I'm likely to be nodding in agreement on this one.

Then again, I have a vested interest in being sober around a woman I want to fuck, because of the whole bondage/S&M thing, where being drunk in charge of ropes, floggers etc can be REALLY dangerous – and if you're really into someone, you don't want to damage them (hurt them, yes – because that's the whole point of SM – but damage? Never!)

If he's got to be drunk to like you, then he obviously doesn't like the real you.

'But I like him this way':


My instant response – so he's not likeable when he's sober!? Then why the fuck would you want to be with him in a relationship? Ewww!

G.B. comments add up to: Just because he's showing affection while he's drunk, don't mistake it for the real thing. Yes it feels good to have attention and affection, but why settle for such a shitty knock-off version of it?


To which I just say: yes, absolutely!

'At least it's not the hard stuff':
Example given talks about 'pothead' boyfriend.

G.B. comment: "If he's off his head on pot [or indeed on alcohol, or anything else] it means he likes you more when there's less of you."


See my remarks in intro: "if he's got to be drunk [stoned] to like you…"

Chapter summary:

Life can be hard, if you're choosing someone to share yours with, find someone who's alert enough to deal with it – not someone who's drunk at the wheel!

Additional from G.B. – "If you happen to notice an increase in your drinking or smoking while with Mr Party Man, please be aware. This is not an 'if you can't beat it, get drunk with it' situation. Your getting drunk won't make him seem any less of a drinker."


To which I add – if you're having to medicate yourself in this way to be in his company: why do you think that is? Seems like it means his company isn't that great to be in, so you're better off finding someone you enjoy when you're sober.

L.T. – 'Why This One is Hard':

Alcohol factors a lot in beginning stages of dating: 1st kiss, 1st fuck, etc. Therefore, most relationships not get going without drink to calm nerves. Be clear on difference between calm nerves and substance abuse.


This is totally off my wavelength. I can barely cope with making first steps when sober, so with my brain suppressed by alcohol, where would I end up? Sure, the lowered inhibitions help when making a move, but you can bet heavily against it being any kind of GOOD move! So it's sober or nothing for me. I might enjoy a glass with someone I love just for a bit of playing around once I'm comfortable around her, but otherwise this is way off anything I recognise.

I want a first kiss, first fuck, etc to be deliberate and consciously chosen, not just some drunken accident.

L.T. – 'This is what it should look like':
Anecdote, guy who was addicted to pot, when he met the right woman, was able to cut it out entirely for her.


That's more-or-less the story of how my dad ended up quitting smoking tobacco.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

"Not That Into You" chapter 5 notes

Continuing the series of posts documenting my initial reactions as I read through "He's Just Not That Into You" - index of the series here.

Common abbreviations used:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
"'Nuff said" = "There is no need to say anything more about this."


A brief note: The word beginning with 'R' that I had in mind for "pressuring someone into sex" is the four-letter one. Whether using "rape" to refer to such things is strictly accurate or not, and whether it's belittling the experience of rape survivors, I couldn't discuss here at length. This post/series of posts is just a record of the immediate thoughts/emotional reactions I had as I read the book. So, my immediate emotive reaction was to use "rape" (with the emotive force of that word).

Chapter 5: …if he's having sex with someone else. There's never going to be a good excuse for cheating

Right, the sub-heading flags up that we're not talking about poly, or open relationships, here: this is about doing it on the sly – "cheating" in other words. Or, in my book, betraying trust. As it happens, in G.B.'s book too.

This is going to be short, because of total agreement with G.B.

'He's got no excuse and he knows it':
G.B. – "Cheating is bad. Not knowing why you did it is even worse."


'Nuff said.

'But I've gotten fat':
G.B. "he just cheated on you and called you fat… Get rid of this loser"


'Nuff said.

'He has a stronger sex drive than I':
G.B.: "These last two guys are good. They've betrayed their relationships and humiliated their girlfriends. Then they tell them that it's their fault… Don't let any man blame you for their infidelity. Ever."


Not to mention – don't let any man pressure you into more sex than you're happy with having. There's a word for trying to force someone to have sex with you, and it's not "relationship" – It begins with 'R' but is a lot shorter.

'But at least he knew her':
G.B.: "You can't blame a guy for having feelings… But having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. That required him to take his feelings and use them to be somewhere alone with his beloved, undress her, kiss her, and do all the other things involved with having sexual intercourse with someone."


Well, yes, exactly. Although I can't help but feel I've been making this point in the past four chapters, where G.B. was all "he can't help himself if he's really into you" and all that stereotypical men are uncontrolled sex-beasts crap.

Chapter summary: "If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship… Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust."


A-men to that!

(Nothing really to add from "Why This One Is Hard" or "How It's Supposed To Work")

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Laenan Kite quotation - difference between BDSM and abuse

Laenan Kite is the protagonist in Catherine Webb's books "Mirror Dreams" and "Mirror Wakes". He's talking about power in a political sense here, but I think this captures pretty closely the essential distinction between abuse and D/s. I'm going to present it both in the original text, and in a form adapted for the specific use I wanted to make:

Half of man is the individual, the other half cooperation. Your scheme involves neither. You take all without asking, and give nothing in return.


Adapted for D/s (or indeed, any other form of consensual coupling of 2 or more lovers), I make it read thus:

Half of a relationship is the individuals, the other half cooperation. Abusers involve neither. They take all without asking, and give nothing in return.


I might add: "although sometimes they pretend to give, but this is just an illusion."

I think it's a beautiful way to describe what a consensual relationship looks like: half is the individuals, the other half cooperation. It might also be said that at times, it should be hard to tell which half is which.

"Not That Into You" chapter 4 notes

Continuing the series of posts documenting my initial reactions to "He's Just Not That Into You".

Common abbreviations:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
FYTP = Fuck You Too, Pal


Chapter 4: …if he's not having sex with you. When men like you, they want to touch you, always

Wuh… huh… WTF!!??

FYTP, G.B.!

"…every single one of those men who are not attracted to you will never ever tell you that."


Except if one of those men happens to be me, I suppose. "Sorry, you're not my type" – I've not had much cause to use those words, but I have done once or twice!

"If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you."


Because, of course, all men are sex-crazed beasts who have no sense of boundaries or respect for a woman's bodily autonomy or independence or choice. [/sarcasm]

...

But let's take it as read that this chapter assumes that consent (of the enthusiastic, "Yes, Please!" variety) has been communicated by our unhappy women subjects. Even then, this assumption that sex is the be-all and end-all of men's interest in women is disgusting. Yes, society constructs masculinity in that way, so that men are projected as being such mindless beasts, but for God's sake, actual men in real life are NOT always so eager in practice (even if actually, yes, it would be quite nice, thank-you-very-much).

Not to mention that pressure to perform can result in erectile dysfunction (oh, yes, we all know about the magic of Viagra, but seriously – who's interested when they feel they HAVE to do it to prove that they're "into you"?) So some men are going to have a sense of wanting to avoid that pressure.

On with the excuses covered:

'He's afraid to get hurt again':
G.B. "I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts."


Once again, I say to G.B. – "FYTP". I guess I'm just not a guy or dude in G.B.s definition of the terms, that's all I can say. Hell, even with women with whom I've talked openly about sex (BDSM style, naturally) I have generally not done this, even though I am totally into them (I suppose G.B. would tell me I'm lying to myself about that or something, which just earns another round of FYTP).

I guess G.B. doesn't live with the fear (admittedly, mostly irrational in the case of the faceslaps) of causing offence, of getting slapped around the face, or just harsh emotional comebacks from rejection (Hell, I felt the blowback from a rejection by EMAIL earlier this evening!) Kissing happens when I feel that consent has been negotiated, and not sooner.

The example given says that, "He won't kiss me or make a pass at me." Seriously: does he know that's what you want from him? Does he know that you would welcome it? In short – might he actually be afraid of being hurt!? FFS, quit waiting for him and make your feelings known! Go to kiss him first! If he's interested, the fears will be able to drop away and things will progress forwards. If not, then you have your answer.

G.B. statement: "There are lots of reasons a man might not want to take a friendship to the 'next level'. It really doesn't matter what they are or if they make any sense to you. The bottom line is that when he imagines being with you more intimately (and trust me, we do think about these things), he pauses and then says to himself, 'Nah.' Don't spend any more time thinking about it, other than saying to yourself, 'His loss.'"


Honestly, this is a stinking pile of BS. Personally, once a friend is framed as "friend" and not "possibly into me" in my mind, then why would I waste time and effort thinking about something I believe is not on offer? The best way to find out if there's any potential there for "the next level" is to make it known that you'd like to go there!

If a guy thinks about it, pauses, and says to himself, "Nah." – then the chances are that pause is that he's weighing up the costs involved of making a move versus the benefits of remaining as a friend. Sure, he might think it once and then go "She's not my type" or whatever, but then if she's not his type why would he waste time imagining it any further?

True story – there was a woman I was friends with, I was interested in taking it to the 'next level' but was absolutely certain that we'd already agreed that we weren't going to go there, that she wasn't that interested in me. Turns out, she thought the same thing only in reverse, but we'd reached a point by the time we both found this out where it would have just felt weird to try going to the 'next level'. So because neither of us believed the other was interested, we both missed out. G.B. would say that that means I genuinely wasn't interested, to which (again) I say FYTP.

'He's so into me that now he's not':
Example given: "Just when it seemed like things were really 'taking off', we stopped having sex… Some cuddling, but that's about it." Timescale: about a month into relationship.

G.B. in advice: a month is when he should be "getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions, lotions and anal."


Seriously!? Personally, I'm not going to be fucking someone until I already know about those things, because we'd have talked about sex and what we want from it BEFORE we do it. Informed consent and all that. (Also, I'm kinky so it's a good idea to know we're compatible before we get that far, no?)

But most guys I think would be extremely nervous about raising such things after only a month (if at all) because there's such a huge perceived risk (thanks to sexist constructions of femininity) of the reaction being "OMG you FREAK!" and then the girl he's totally into is gone for good.

Example given says, "It's humiliating to have to ask him what's going on…"

G.B. in advice: "Now, you can get up the nerve to ask him what's going on – communication is never a bad idea. But my guess is that you probably already have your answer."


Well, honestly – if you feel humiliated by having to talk to someone about what's going on in your sex life, then frankly, honey, you're too immature to be having one! In fact, I'd read it as YOU'RE not that into HIM!

But be that as it may, G.B.'s advice looks good to start with: "communication is never a bad idea", it just goes a bit wonky after that! Communication is the essential ingredient that makes a relationship work, if you're not communicating, you're not in a relationship. Seriously. But G.B.'s advice actually precludes communication, it's entirely predicated on ASSUMING you can KNOW what's going on in someone else's head, based on a stereotypical construction of masculinity and male behaviour. It's sickening, it really is.

There's any number of reasons why he might be off sex for a week or two – stress, performance anxiety, a medical problem that he's too embarrassed to discuss (admittedly, that's quite shitty of him not to tell her, even if it's not something she could catch off him, but that's a different issue) – or maybe he's just not someone with a high sex drive (to which no doubt G.B. would say that ALL men have a high sex drive, it's just not that high for her, to which I again say FYTP because that claim is utterly false).

G.B. talks again about "fear of intimacy" (see also "…if he's not dating you"). My read is that IF that's the problem (and it might not be, see previous comments), then it's more likely to be "fear of doing intimacy wrongly" – that is, fear of failure. Typical thought process might be "Hey, I actually really like this woman! Oh shit, now I've got something good going, I don't want to lose it! I better back off so I don't accidentally fuck up, or in case she thinks I'm only interested in her for sex or something." A guy can become frozen by fear in such a situation, just like in any other pressure make-or-break scenario (e.g. England soccer team missing penalties).

G.B. claims "But guess what? If a guy is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you – including a fear of intimacy. He may run and get his butt into therapy if there's some serious problem, but he'll never keep you in the dark."


Okay, I have 3 problems with this:

  1. If he's dating you, cuddling, etc but not fucking you, then he is still being with you. WTF is it with G.B. that to be into someone you have to be boning them!? What is it with him that the only valid definition of "with someone" is fucking them!?
  2. I understand that USAians (especially New Yorkers?) tend to have a different view of therapy from UKians and are more accepting of it in general, but still – if it's "humiliating" to have to ask about sex, how much more humiliating for him to come out and tell you that he's having therapy to sort out his issues over his relationship with you!? Sure, it'd be better for you to know, but it's not the easiest subject for a guy to broach, is it? And hey – if you ask what's up, then maybe that's what he needs to be able to take his healing to the next level (if therapy etc is what's going on). So yeah, actually, on that point he MIGHT keep you in the dark. Maybe because he's frightened of the sort of reaction that G.B. recommends you make!
  3. I'm guessing G.B. has never actually suffered from intimacy anxiety, because actually, yes – fear of getting hurt is a really REALLY big barrier to getting involved with someone, and yes – it CAN stop a person from being able to perform sexually. Yet again, the key to all of this is COMMUNICATION. As I said before, if talking about it is "humiliating" then actually, maybe you should dump him – because you're bad news for him, and for that matter for any other guy who expresses an interest.

'But it still feels so good':
Example is confusing on this seems to cover two entirely different things.

G.B. statement: it seems men can withhold sex to gain power just like women do.

G.B. claim: "Oh, it's so simple! If a guy is happy lying around in bed with you eating cookies and watching old movies, and he's not gay, then he's just not that into you."


Or, he's got it into his head that you're just good platonic friends and he'd rather not be accused of attempting to rape you. Example given seems to suggest a clear marker has been put down about boundaries here (but is complicated because of other issue confusing matters). Again, in contradiction of G.B.'s stereotyping of men, guys are actually quite good at restraining themselves if they think they'd only end up losing a valued friend. In general, if you want it to be something else, then you need to make sure he knows that and that he won't run the risk of losing you. Oh, it's so simple! Communicate!

'Multiple excuses':
Example given describes situation where man is giving a series of excuses to put off having sex with her.

G.B.: "One of the great joys in life is that you get to have sex. The last person who should be stopping you from enjoying that is the person you're dating."


In context of the problem described, G.B.'s comment is good. If he's coming up with reason after reason to say "not tonight, honey" then it's pretty clear he doesn't want to, ever. And is too chicken to talk to her about it openly. Either he's fucking someone else, or he's got a low sex drive, or is just not physically attracted to her. If it's the first of these, dump him. If it's the other two, then need to talk about it and she needs to think about how important sex is to her. If she is like G.B. and thinks sex is one of the greatest pleasures, then she needs to find someone else – or else, negotiate an open relationship.

G.B. summary for chapter: "If a man likes you, he's going to want to have sex with you."


Well, yes – unless he's asexual.

Thing is though, "wants to" and "tries to" are two very different things and the lack of trying (e.g. because of fears of losing a friendship, fears of rejection, fears of failing at intimacy) is not an indicator of a lack of wanting.

There's only one way to know if he wants to fuck you and that's to ask him. And if he doesn't, then finding out why is the next step. Just beware of the "multiple excuses" scenario, but otherwise – if you want his cock, then help him get past his issues! Communication, people – communication!

L.T. 'Why This One Is Hard':

Talking about sex and emotions is hard because of the huge embarrassment factor.

"Could settle for the sleepover guy or the low sex-drive guy, cos they enjoy my company – if it wasn't for seeing the couples that have sexy, loving relationships. Could settle if I saw them and thought "what's the big deal?' but am not that person. Am person who says 'Damn, that's what I want!'"

"That means I have to be the type of girl who is going to ask the guys the mortifying questions, and worse, who might break up with a really great guy if he just doesn't want to have sex with me enough or at all."


I have to agree with L.T. on this one: ultimately, finding someone with a compatible sex-drive is important, because it can easily otherwise place a heavy strain on a relationship. Kinky folks have it doubly hard because we need to find someone with both compatible sex-drive AND compatible kink!

But if both him and her are low sex-drive then this whole chapter becomes kind of beside the point anyway, because -hello- he's into her, she's into him – they're just both not into fucking.

Also – poly/open relationship, even hiring sex worker(s), is also an option. G.B. may claim "you deserve a boyfriend of your very own" but sometimes "bf of very own" is still true even if you get your physical stuff done elsewhere.

G.B. 'This is what it should look like':
"My parents still fuck even in their seventies, so you should too."


Because, what, everyone is exactly the same in terms of their sex-drive, and never for any reason lose it as they grow older!? **sigh**

Sunday, 25 April 2010

"Not That Into You" chapter 3 notes

Continuing the series, index here.

Common abbreviations:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)



Chapter 3: …if he's not dating you

G.B. statement: Dates can be distinguished from 'hanging out' by looking for features:
  • public excursion
  • meal
  • handholding

G.B. claim: Guys like hanging out because it means not responsible for your emotions, can pretend not dating you. Asking out on date makes it official and is sign of commitment.


So far, I'm in agreement with G.B. on this, in that these statements are affirmative – "if 'x' happens then we have 'y'". But chapter heading is negative: "if 'x' doesn't happen then not 'y'".

Excuses examined:

'He just got out of a relationship':


I'm torn by this one: the example given involves not just 'hanging out with', but also fucking. In the example given, I think the analysis from G.B. is valid. But where there is just hanging out as an assumed couple, I think the situation is different because (get this) guys have emotions too! But maybe that situation is assumed as being covered by "…He's Not Asking You Out"?

G.B. statement: "Beware of the word 'friend'. It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behaviour. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep."


Principle is good, and applies equally to women using it to justify their own behaviour, too! In example given, is clearly a case of him using her, and that is only okay as long as she's just using him right back for the great sex. The example given says she's doing it not for great sex but to try to win him over "eventually". Definitely in my opinion would signal a case of "not that into you".

'But we really are dating':
Example given says "he's just scared of the word 'boyfriend' and isn't ready for a serious relationship". Asks "Shouldn't I judge him by his actions, not his words?" Timescale given is 3 months of seeing each other/going to events together.

G.B. claim: "Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. The actually want to say 'I'm your boyfriend' or 'I'd like to be your boyfriend' or 'If you ever break up with that other guy who's not your boyfriend, I'd like to be your boyfriend.' A man who's really into you is going to want you all to himself."


Here's the thing, see: guys' emotions are not static, immovable, fixed things. Just as it can take a while for a woman to decide if she's into someone, same with a man. So if right now, he's saying "I'm not ready to be your boyfriend" it means he's still sorting out how he feels about you. If he's spending time on you, he's interested, wants to know more, likely wants to figure out a) if you're all that into him and b) whether you're someone he can really get into (figuratively speaking – stop it with your dirty minds!) as well. The example implies that she's signalled her interest clearly to him (else why would he reject label "boyfriend"?) so now he's figuring out part b).

I had one situation where a girl was very clearly ready to commit a lot sooner than I was and she took serious offence at the fact that I didn't yet feel I knew her well enough (we'd known each other for 3 or 4 weeks at the time). In the end, I realised that she was not someone I could be "that into" and I was clear about that (resulting in a temper tantrum, which just proved I was right not to commit in the first place).

One clear way to test whether or not he's into her would be if she asks him "I've been asked out on a date by this really cute guy, I think I'm going to say yes and see where it goes." At this point I think G.B.'s claim that "men want to feel emotionally protected" should kick into gear. If he's seriously interested in her, he'll switch tack just like that *snaps fingers* and say something like "but I thought I was your boyfriend". He does that, then it's worth sticking with him for a bit longer to see whether he'll follow through on that statement. If he doesn't then you're just his really close friend but not someone he wants to date seriously.

One thing for sure: my advice in this sort of situation is to give yourself a fighting chance: make sure you have in your own mind a time limit at which you will feel that you are free to start looking for someone else. I've never heard of a guy in this sort of dating-but-not-dating take very long to make up his mind once given a clear indication that he's wanted. It's sometimes said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Don't kid yourself: if he's not moving towards making a commitment (e.g. "I'm your boyfriend") then he never will. Give yourself a time limit, say "this much and no more emotional energy on trying to get him" – and when it runs out, find someone new.

'It's better than nothing':
Example presented is dating for 6 months, see each other every 2 weeks, she expected it to become more often – says "but it's still better than nothing".

G.B. "Is better than nothing what we're going for now?"

G.B. statement: "It's about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more."

G.B. statement: "Every 2 weeks, once a month, … may help you get through the day or the week or the month – but will it help you get through a lifetime?"


Slightly worried by the parallels with drug addiction and description of how the desired guy regards his girlfriend!

Other thing to mention: does he know she expects more by this stage? Is it possible he believes she doesn't want more and is afraid to lose her by pushing for too much? Key point: communication about expectations and what you want from a relationship is crucial. G.B. not apparently aware of this in advice!

'He's out of town a lot!':
G.B. claim: "There are ways to travel and be in a relationship, and there are ways to travel and make sure you stay out of one."

G.B. claim: "You can tell which is which by how much he tells you how disappointed he is that he has to keep leaving you"

G.B. claim: "If he's not making a serious effort to make sure that while he's out of town you don't go and find someone else, he's not that into you."


I tend to agree on this one. Goes back to "Maybe we're just different" excuse from ch. 2.

G.B. summary for chapter: I'm perturbed by G.B.'s apparent assumption that any "might-be-a-relationship" scenario involves fucking. G.B. says "You have every right to know what's going on between you and someone you're knocking socks with."

Agreed, but honestly, not every person is in/seeking a relationship in order to fuck – some folks like to wait a lot longer than that, and yet they also face the issues raised in this chapter. So second statement of G.B.: "If at all possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with them" seems inappropriate to this chapter.

L.T. 'Why This One Is Hard':

We know if there's a beginning to a relationship, there's an ending – so want to avoid there being a beginning because the endings hurt.

"Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets a guy? You want to be the cool girl – the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. That's who I always wanted to be. That's who I always was.

"The thing about that cool girl is that she still gets her feelings hurt. She still has reactions to how she's being treated. She still hopes he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I hate that."


Agree with this point – note that same applies to guys, too - sometimes, inverse: don't want to be the creepy or jealous guy pushing too hard too soon. Sometimes this can turn into "Nice Guy" syndrome.

But now I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honourable – and into me. Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away. But that caution shouldn't be to make them feel more comfortable; it should be because you know that you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection.


Fuck, YES! But, please, I refer my gentle reader to my remarks on Ch. 1 regarding how (some) men feel. This description above is precisely the problem I have now with my dating (or, more often, lack-of-dating) life because, jeez, for all I feel myself and want myself to be resilient and tough and all that, fact is, I'm vulnerable. I'm delicate. I get hurt. So, I want to know that whoever I'm with is someone who will be there, someone who wants me right back. Someone who is into me. But hey – I'm a man, and from the logic of this book, I don't deserve any of that.

G.B. 'This is what it should look like':

Three anecdotes of friends who were definite from the start and ended up getting married – not great advert, really!


From the "points to remember":

"Guys tell you what they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship' truly means 'I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you' or 'I'm not sure you're the one'"


Again: guys tell you what they're feeling right now, not how they'll feel in a month's time! Seriously, if he's not sure you're the one then either he needs to figure out whether you're the one or else he needs to figure out you're not (in which case, look out for some of the other excuses too). Assuming that he'd be willing to jump straight into a serious relationship with someone else is just vicious and unfounded (no matter what G.B. says). If you want to know what your chances are like, you need some other indicator.

"If you don't know where your relationship is going, it's okay to pull over and ask."


This is good advice – communication is the key.

"There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he's your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him."


Yes, there probably is. But he's probably an arsehole who'll treat you like dirt because in his mind once he's your boyfriend, he's got privileges and you're his property.

Or is that too cynical?

"Not That Into You" chapter 2 notes

Continuing my series of brain-transcripts from reading "He's Just Not That Into You". (Other posts listed here).

Reminder of common abbreviations used:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
LDR = Long Distance Relationship
FYTP = Fuck You Too, Pal



Chapter 2: ...If he's not calling you

Actually, I tend to agree on this one – although there is no reason why the same principle shouldn't apply for “she's just not that into you”, from a male perspective. Also, assuming that there is an established relationship already.

My natural inclination is to want a lot of contact anyway so I tend to want to call a lot. Even allowing for this, most of the examples offered are situations where I really would expect anyone (man or woman) who was into someone else to call that someone else fairly reliably and regularly.

There are still some points of contention, though.

Excuses examined:
'But he's been travelling a lot':
G.B. claim that failure to call when on business travel demonstrates is neither attentive nor affectionate, regardless of how many 'sweet nothings' he might use.


Agree with this one. Although travel may involve hectic schedules, would expect him to call more days than not, if he's into you (although allow some variation on that). Possible counters may be: if he feels a need to express/assert his 'manliness' by appearing independent of your support; or other examples covered under other excuses.

'But he's got a lot on his mind':
Excuse is “something came up at last minute, forgot to call”.
G.B. claims question is “is it okay to forget you?” to which obviously answer is no.
G.B. claim: “got a lot on his mind” = “you're not on his mind”.
G.B. asks “Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other in his life before he'll forget about you?”


From opening statements “guys are simple” and “you have to deal with us as we are” this seems like a contradiction. Some folks (stereotypically men, but some women too!) just can't hold two or more tasks simultaneously and so being absorbed by some suddenly emerging situation requiring complex response (example given is sick mother so has to pack and travel) can absorb all their mental processing power.

Standard being set by G.B. here is that unless a guy spends ALL his time thinking about you then you should totally dump him. Not realistic AT ALL. Guy who would forget about everything else in his life obviously hasn't GOT a life worth remembering, and the commonest result when demanding to be the be-all-end-all of a partner's life is that that partner DUMPS YOU. If he (or she) doesn't, chances are, he is a dangerously possessive and jealous type and you should run a mile.

'He just says things he doesn't mean':
G.B. talks about when a guy says he will call at particular time and then doesn't. Problem presented as he does call, but not at the time he said he would. Also, stated that signs off conversations with these words.

G.B. states principle is that this is an issue of trustworthiness.

G.B. claim: "Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. Some guys are lying, some guys really mean it."


Problem here is of different meanings attached to words. It's not actually a case of "he doesn't mean it" but rather "he means something different by it than you do". Just as some people, when they say "come inside for coffee" mean "I enjoyed your company, let's fuck now!" some people when they say "I'll call you tomorrow" mean "I enjoyed this conversation/date, we must do it again sometime soon". People say things they don't mean literally all the time (e.g. "I could eat a horse!" - "He was a pig!" - "I wish I was dead" etc).

Reminded of Friends episode with similar thing as a central plot theme: Chandler goes on date with Rachel's boss, and says at end of date "I'll call you" and then doesn't. Rachel's boss is upset, complains to Rachel, Rachel talks to Chandler about it, Chandler is surprised – "it doesn't mean I'll actually call you, it's just what a guy says at the end of a date!" Chandler has to explain himself fully to Rachel's boss to explain that actually, no, he's not interested in seeing her again – comedy moment is that at the end of the conversation he blows it by using the line AGAIN, even though he's just learned that it's not a good line to use in this situation.

Lesson to learn from this is not "he's not that into you" but rather TALK to the guy about it. If it bothers you, let him know and make sure he understands it's important to you. THEN if he can't manage to do it, then there's a problem and "he's not that into you".

Also: some guys (and some women too) are just not good at multi-tasking (see note on "got a lot on his mind"). So he makes a mental note to call back at the time stated but then the note gets lost under whatever things he has to do in the mean time. This type of person typically remembers the promise to call some time after the point when he was supposed to, beats himself up about having forgotten to call and then makes the call as soon as possible. Also, consideration of others: if I remember to call someone but I know that the time is after their normal bedtime (or when they are normally likely to be having a meal, or a bath, or whatever) then obviously I don't call at that time because that would be rude and disruptive and disturbing them – but I try to make sure I call at the earliest opportunity that is likely to be convenient to them.

'Maybe we're just different':
Also presented as "he doesn't like to use the phone".

G.B.: "Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy".


Agree with this.

G.B.: "E-mails need not apply".


Disagree with this. Point of calling etc is to show thinking of partner in spare moments etc, but not always sensible to call, and sometimes email is much more practical (and can be more special by being more thoughtful and considered).

I tend to agree that, even if you're not someone who needs a lot of contact, if you're travelling, or a LDR, then contacting is important to let the other person know you still care. I tend to contact people a lot because I am quite needy of contact like that, others are different; but key thing is to think of what it means for other person (e.g. I would hope a partner would know I need lots of contact and therefore would make an effort to call or email fairly frequently if they went away). I do not attach the same significance to the phone as does G.B. (although I prefer IM to email as an alternative to phone). I think email written messages can be super-considerate and caring and all the rest of it.

Again, key point here is to communicate what's important to you, to your partner. That way you can tell much more easily whether he's into you or not: if he is, he'll listen and adjust his behaviour to accommodate your needs.

'But he's very important':
G.B. says "Totally important" = "you're unimportant" [to him].

G.B. claim: "Men are never too busy to get what they want."


Except, of course, when they are busy trying to get what they need to stay alive, or to do what they think they need to do in order to keep what they want (e.g. thinks he needs to spend lots of money on you therefore has to work long hours and high-intensity productivity to earn enough to afford it). Patriarchal/capitalist construction of masculinity requires a man to put work first.

OTOH using his importance at work as a reason not to stay in touch seems a little bit of a stretch. It's one thing that someone has to work hard to make ends meet, it's another to say that he's soooo important that he can't spare the time to make a call once in a while.

L.T. 'Why This One is Hard':

Lots of waffle, but hits nail on head with this: "Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. That's always a good rule to live by, no matter what the special circumstances (i.e. excuses) are."

Summary of waffle given by this quotation:

"It's not easy to find someone you like and are excited about… And you want to make sure you don't overreact, punishing him unjustly for some other guy's mistakes."


L.T. 'This is what it should look like':

Noticed G.B. called wife sometimes just to say he was too busy to talk: "It didn't look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice."


Personally, not something I'd do that often – maybe once a day, tops – but I'd also be likely to call to give some estimate of when I would be able to talk, and if that changed then call again (or email, or text, or leave an IM message) to let her know, so there's a clear promise of when to talk. You make a promise of when to talk, you have to do your best to keep it, I do firmly believe that you will if you are into a person.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Initial feminist impressions on local Parliamentary candidates

Tonight was the Parliamentary hustings in my town, with the Labour, Liberal Democrat and Conservative candidates invited to answer pre-selected questions from the audience. There was a small gang of U.K. Independence Party campaigners attempting to form a picket of some sort at the entrance, who contented themselves with handing out leaflets - I didn't see any of the Green Party candidate's campaigners anywhere.

I may or may not get around to writing up the evening's comments more fully, but there were a couple of points that I did want to mention.

The only female candidate in this constituency is the Labour candidate, Lorna Blackmore. In her closing remarks, she mentioned that the last female MP in this area was elected in 1955; she also made a point of listing the percentages of female MPs in each party: 27% of Labour MPs are women, she said; 14% of Liberal Democrat MPs and just 9% of Tories.

I had emailed yesterday a list of questions, some focussing on social issues (surveillance issues and unemployment), but most focussing on sex-positive issues. I was able to have a conversation with Ms Blackmore about the first of these issues, the decriminalisation of prostitution. Ms Blackmore was very pleasant to talk to about it, and admitted to feeling ambivalence because of her Christian beliefs (she feels that prostitution is wrong and would rather it didn't exist). However, accepting that it is unlikely to disappear for good, she and I talked about harm reduction strategies: she apparently favours a licensed brothel scheme, believing that to be the best approach. I wasn't fully prepared this evening to debate the issues surrounding that, but I suppose there is hope that with reasoned argument she might be persuaded to accept the full decrim. platform of organisations like ECP and IUSW.

She and Chris Bowers (the Liberal Democrat candidate) both told me I could expect their replies to my email in the next week or so, so I'll have more info on their take on sex-positive issues then.

(NB - I was tired when I wrote this originally and accidentally put the Green candidate's name, David Jonas, instead of the LibDem candidate - oops!!!)

The other candidate present this evening was the current MP, Conservative candidate Charles Hendry. (I haven't emailed him this election, because I have written to him as a campaigner on these issues before, so I feel I have a good idea where he stands on them.) What I want to mention here are some of his opening statement remarks. I do feel he was playing to the gallery a little here, because the hustings were organised by the local church alliance and so a lot of those present were members of the local Christian community. However, I do know (again from reading his literature and from contacting him on occasion about these issues) that he was genuine in his stated beliefs.

I think I managed to record this verbatim (writing longhand as he was speaking, but definitely got most of it):

"Abortion is too often used not as a last resort but as a form of contraception. Abortion should be one of the most difficult and traumatic decisions." He voted in favour of the proposal (that was defeated, thankfully) to reduce the time limit on abortions from 24 weeks to 20 weeks (and then again when they went for 22 weeks, which also failed) , and said that he was proud to have done so. He certainly made noises to position himself as the "pro-life" candidate (also opposing assisted suicide).

I just want to repeat what he said about abortion: it should be "one of the most difficult and traumatic decisions". How creepy and evil does that sound to you? It chills me to the bone, that does. I'm kind of used to hearing that shit from USAian rightwing bigots, but to hear it in my own country is - well, it scares me.

Make no mistake, people of Britain: this is still what the Tories are.

Friday, 23 April 2010

In the news today were...

Race, sex crimes and death from joblessness.

It seems that a US hotel honoured a request from a British family not to be served by any POC or with "foreign accents". A Black waiter working at the hotel is suing over the decision.

I would like to express my disgust both at the family's behaviour, but even more so at the hotel, who made a note in their computer system and treated this as if it was a perfectly reasonable request to make. The family acted in a racist way, but the hotel's reaction is what allows racism to persist in society today. Deeper analysis is possible, but I think this captures the essential point and the conclusion that any such analysis would reach.

Sex crimes:

A female firefighter surrendered to the pressure from sexual harassment in the hope that having sex with the harasser might stop it. Of course, it actually only became worse as a result of this decision.

And yet there are people who claim that there's no more need for feminism!?

The latest crime rate figures for the UK have been published, showing a 30-year low for overall crime rates. However, sex crimes have increased by 2% since the last figures were published. The Guardian offers all the data here.

I did notice that one or two (right-wing, anti-Labour Party) papers offered that serious violent crime is rising, but even moderate right-wing press seemed to support the idea that crime rates are falling. It's just that pesky situation of sex crimes rising.

I don't have any clever analysis to offer on this to explain why that might be, but I think it is true that in general not enough is being done to counter the rape-culture that pervades our society. In my questions for Parliamentary Election Candidates in my constituency, I included questions about this on improving sex education and on providing proper funding for rape crisis centres and refuges for victims of domestic violence - this is a key issue in our area, as a news report last week (unfortunately, I can't find an online version) showed that in this constituency area in the last year there were 750 DV cases, and nowhere near enough refuge places available - currently, the article claimed, the police receive more than 100 reports per month of DV in this region. The police say there is actually a slow decline in this region on DV cases, but even so, this should be something any MP for this area should have as a high priority.

Finally, death from joblessness:

A young woman rejected for over 200 jobs in the past two years, committed suicide from the intense humiliation and shame she felt. Regular readers will know why this is an issue very close to my heart, given my long-term unemployment and history of depression.

I was rather sickened by one Guardian CiF commenter (screen name LittleRichardJohn) who implied that this story was just about electioneering, with the sarcastic comment "'Brainy girl' Vicky Harrison will not have died in vain if she can help get David Cameron elected." Apparently, he thought only the Sun picked up on the story (the Daily Mirror, whose article I linked, tends to be more pro-Labour in its coverage). But even so, it's a totally unacceptable comment to make.

The fact remains that joblessness results in mental health issues such as depression, which can indeed lead to suicidal thoughts and eventually, actions. And very little is done to address these problems or actually help people find work (you're threatened with losing benefits if you don't look hard enough, is all I see happening). Again, there was a question in my emails to candidates about dealing with helping the jobless.

And that's a selection of the soul-destroying news that crossed my radar today.

"Not That Into You" chapter 1 notes

As promised in my earlier post, I'm doing a series of posts that are basically a transcript of the thought processes as I read through the dating advice book "He's Just Not That Into You", one chapter at a time. Here's my reactions to chapter one (fair warning - it ends with something of a rant: that rant is a pretty good transcription of what went through my brain).

Reminder of those abbreviations:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
FYTP = Fuck You Too, Pal


Chapter 1: …If he's not asking you out (because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out)

Argument: If men run the world, why would you think men incapable of picking up the phone and asking you out?


Since, after all, there's absolutely no emotional risk or investment in doing so, right? **eyes roll**

"Excuses" examined:

'Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship':
G.B. claims "Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex". Follows with "That excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it."
Men "can't help ourselves" if we're "really excited about someone".
True statement: "if we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further."


– but wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things. Sometimes there is a cost that is deemed not worth the risk of doing it (such as, losing a good and valued friend, perhaps?)

It seems according to G.B. that men are just not rational thinkers, just simple-minded beasts.

'Maybe he's intimidated by me':
G.B.: "Sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her"


– Yeah, as long as he doesn't care about possibly losing his job!

G.B.: "You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Philippe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out…. a wink and a smile will do it."


– or might get you slapped with sexual harassment yourself if you're not careful! Again, these people need their jobs; they know one false move could be disastrous for them.

'Maybe he wants to take it slow':


First one that is actually honest and truthful:

G.B. says "If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow … he won't keep you guessing."


'But he gave me his number':
G.B.: "Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out."


Alternatively, when a man likes a woman, he gets so tongue-tied that he can't speak! Or he's too nervous of rejection so he gives her the option of indicating whether she's interested in him. This advice at one fell swoop destroys any chance that introverted or shy men might have of getting anywhere, because giving you his number is, for him, a huge emotional step; asking him to go all-out and ask you on a date straight away is just cruel.

'Maybe he forgot to remember me':
Situation: after getting along well, an acquaintance fails to get in touch afterwards. G.B. advice: "You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he'll remember you … If he doesn't, he's not worth your time."


Actually, agree with this – assuming that clear indications of romantic interest had in fact been given. If not, then he might not know a call from him would be welcome.

'Maybe I don't want to play games':
G.B. claims "Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you." Claims in advice given that you shouldn't call because "we [men] don't like it. Well, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy."


Well, FYTP, G.B.! I am not lazy, but I sure as heck don't want to go chasing when I don't know I'm going to get anything for it. YOU might think so little of yourself, but I don't. I respect myself and I am not going to be jerked around on a chase by some woman whom I don't even know if she's interested in me. Hell, I'm not going to risk the slaps around the face, insults or whatever because I misread the subtle signals. If a woman is interested in me, I want her to let me know because if she's worth the chase, then so the fuck am I.

And men like me are far from rare. Maybe we're shy, we're introverted, we're nervous or we're victims of past rejection, but we are NOT lazy. I can't live up to YOUR idea, G.B., of what a man is. And I won't try.

The lynx, living in cold climates, has to conserve its energy. Sometimes catching its prey ends up potentially costing more energy than it would regain by consuming the prey once caught: at a certain point, it makes more sense to let that prey escape and go on its way. G.B. does not appreciate that a lot of men are like the lynx – they cannot afford the emotional energy to chase a woman so hard, the costs (or potential costs) are just too high.

G.B. claim "deal with men as we are, not how you'd like us to be".


Unfortunately, G.B. does not know how men are, only how men like him are. Each individual man is different from, as well as similar to, his fellow men, and you can only treat him "as he is" by understanding that.

L.T. 'Why This One Is Hard':

Women learn these days that success comes from planning & hard work, so doing nothing is hard. Women these days like to plan, scheme, make phone calls.

"Most women who date … don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat."


Fair enough - but it's also hard for him to know you might be interested. What do you want - a guy who'll just assume a woman would be interested in him automatically!? Why would you want that arrogant jerk?

That way doesn't work - "I've never had a successful relationship with a guy I've pursued."


Then you've never pursued men like me, L.T. That's all I can see from that. For whatever reason, there is some selection bias in the types of men you have dated/pursued.

G.B. 'This is what it should look like':

Anecdote: met girl in bar, she refused to give her number, said her name and said "if you want to call me, find my phone number". G.B. called 8 or 9 other people with that name before finding her.


Well, honestly? If that happened to me it would be her challenge to find her number that would have made me think "she's just not worth the effort." No matter how much into her I was before that challenge, AFTER it, I would definitely have been "just not that into her". That behaviour would make me think that she was an arrogant and unfriendly person who enjoys making men jump through hoops: guaranteed to piss me off and send we walking the other way. Not to mention, to me it would sound like a not-too-subtle "fuck off, I don't like you".

Finally – G.B. harassed 8 or 9 other women to find this one!? And that's how it's supposed to work!? FYTP!

G.B. & L.T. survey of "20 male friends ... in long-term relationships" - selection bias, much!? Do they not think that maybe there's some common features that lead those guys to be in their circle of friends that might also affect the sorts of relationship behaviour they exhibit? (Like, for example, location, social class, personality...) Hell, some of those friends are presumably the same guys from whom G.B. formulated his theories, this isn't evidence to prove the universality of the ideas! **Glower**

Into you or not into you or whatever

So, I've been meaning to write about the whole "He's Just Not That Into You" thing for a while now - like, at least 2 years! But, not having read the book, I ducked out of it. Found a copy for 75p at a local charity shop the other day and so have been ploughing my way through it ever since, making notes as I go along about what I think of it. The resulting document, while slightly structured with a mind to the idea I'll be posting about it here, is basically a record of my thoughts as they formed while reading it - very immediate. Quotations are presented to illustrate what I'm reacting to.

At the moment, I'm about 1/3 of the way through. What I intend to do, because the document is getting quite long already, is to make a series of posts about each chapter; I'll add links to each new post on this one as I go along (if I remember to).

I can't imagine anything I've got will be anything new, surely someone else must have had the same reactions as me and blogged about them - but anyway, I'm going to get it off my chest on here over the next few days.

For the record, the copy I found was the newer edition with two extra chapters; it was, specifically, an edition printed specially to be given out with 'Glamour' magazine.

  1. Notes on Chapter 1
  2. Notes on Chapter 2
  3. Notes on Chapter 3
  4. Notes on Chapter 4
  5. Notes on Chapter 5
  6. Notes on Chapter 6
  7. Notes on Chapter 7
  8. Notes on Chapter 8
  9. Notes on Chapter 9
  10. Notes on Chapter 10
  11. Notes on Chapter 11
  12. Notes on Chapters 12&13
  13. Notes on Chapter 14
  14. Notes on Chapters 15&16
  15. Notes on Chapter 17

Without further ado, then, we begin with the introduction and preamble segments of my:

Thoughts on He's Just Not That Into You

N.B. common abbreviations used:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
FYTP = Fuck You Too, Pal


The title of this book I first saw being used "in action" on the forums at Bondage.com, and judging by the date of first publication compared to when I saw it being used, I would guess that the people using it there were probably people who had read and absorbed the philosophy of the book. At the time I was very sceptical of the advice being offered by the (usually) women commenting, and I remain so. It was a year or two later that I found the book itself on Amazon (I'd added a couple of other "dating advice" books to my wishlist, so Amazon suggested this one as well). Reading the synopsis and a couple of customer reviews did nothing to relieve my scepticism. I am sure I am doing nothing new but I am determined to draw my own conclusions and look at this from a manefist perspective.

Introduction:

G.B. states: "I am an expert that should be listened to because of one very important thing: I'm a guy … Because I'm a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels and acts, and it's my responsibility to tell you who we really are."


"Mansplaining" justification, much!? Plus, WTF, he thinks all men think, feel and act the same way he does?

Statements:

  • When a guy is into you he…
    • calls
    • wants to meet your friends
    • can't keep eyes/hands off you
    • will be up for sex even if he starts work at 4am next morning (even if it's as POTUS)
  • Men are driven by sex
    • Therefore, men not complicated and "things are crazy/ton of shit going on" is fake.
  • Prefer not to tell because afraid of reaction ("We are quite sure you will kill us, yourself, or both – or even worse, cry and yell at us.")

Last point probably true (men not socialised to cope well with emotions – ours or anyone else's). Other two points much more questionable (for example, he may be into you but still knows he needs his job if he's going to pay the bills and stay alive and shit!) Anecdote in intro suggests that some men want to be sure you're into them as well, want you to call, then they will call back sometimes! Eyes/hands – just maybe he's got a sense of boundaries and politeness and NOT OBJECTIFYING YOU! (Admittedly, that's not very likely in patriarchal society but always possible.)

Preamble: You Are All Dating The Same Guy:

Statement/heading: "Hey. I know that guy you're dating."

List of common excuses:
  • tired from work
  • stressed by project working on
  • just been through awful break-up
  • parents' divorce gave him trust issues
  • needs to figure out what his life is about
  • just moved and needs to get sorted
  • will dump wife/girlfriend/crappy job when things calm down

These are not all similar - and most can be worked through if he is into you! (exception is last one)

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will disappear from your life."

Statement: Genuine excuses are rare because men would prefer anything to saying "I'm just not that into you."


Well, yes and no: e.g. maybe he disappears because excuse was genuine and he sees a partner who's not willing to work through the rough patches to make a relationship last?

Assumption that because some excuses are to avoid saying it, that therefore the vast majority are for that reason?

Whole thing assumes can deduce perfectly men's states of mind from afar, no need to try communicating with him openly. *Grr*.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Dancing for beginners

So, as part of my attempts to improve my health and lifestyle, I have decided to take up dancing lessons - ballroom and Latin. A local couple who run classes in a number of towns around the region have just started a new "absolute beginners" class in my town, and I thought this was a golden opportunity to add a new skill to my set so last night I went for my first lesson. I also will make no secret of the fact that I was kind of hoping to meet some single women of my age or thereabouts - but so far that has not emerged!

The first ballroom dance was the waltz, and I totally have the basic steps we learned (standard 'forward' and 'box' steps) down: I've been practising since the lesson too! It's kinda neat to have that option available now, because the waltz is still associated heavily with romance and seduction (in the nice sense, not the creepy senses) and I need not be shy of asking a woman (or indeed, a man - I'm sure I can do it backwards too!) to dance a waltz. The chance to cultivate the whole "gentlemanly" demeanour seems good to me.

One thought that came to me: the reading and (limited) understanding I have of Tai Chi were useful in getting the hang of it. This is because Tai Chi involves a lot of awareness of balance and shifting of weight. As I found, and the instructor explained, there is a tendency to favour one foot over the other so that you always lead off on that foot when in fact you have to alternate from one to the other (otherwise you end up going diagonally and that's wrong). To prevent that you have to be conscious of your weight and shift it deliberately on the third beat of the waltz time so that you next step will be with the opposite foot from the one before.

I struggled a little more with the Latin dance we're studying first, which is the cha-cha. This turns out to be because I'm used to playing music and want the strong step to be on the first beat (I recognised this as the instructor explained it to me, because I could hear in the music that I'd been expecting "DUM- dum- Cha-cha-cha - DUM- dum- Cha-cha-cha" and in fact the music was DUM- DUM- DUM- cha-cha-DUM- DUM- DUM- cha-cha" (so that the first DUM is actually the third "cha" in "cha-cha-cha"). In other words, I was looking for the cha-cha-cha to start on the 3rd beat when it really started on the 4th beat.

I actually ducked out of practising to the music in the class because I realised there was no point practising it wrongly (and the instructor was only able to help me out afterwards for a couple of minutes). I'll have to make sure I have it clear in my head which beat is which movement with my feet next time, I think I'll even get the instructor to go through it on a piece of paper with me so I have some form of pseudo-musical notation to help me frame it. Hopefully THEN I will be able to dance it properly.

It was really frustrating to come away having NOT yet grasped the cha-cha, but as I say - I'll get it next time for sure.

One thing I did remember afterwards: one of the common complaints for the judges on Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing on Wheels on Latin dances was that contestants would get off the beat. Now I know what that was all about and why it happens! I suppose it makes me feel a little better knowing that it's not that unusual a problem.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Gliders in a clear sky

I have been cheering the volcano in Iceland for the effect that it has had, shutting down air travel for the weekend (and probably for a while longer, too). The news media have talked about the cost to the air industry but I couldn't care less about that. Air travel is one of the most environmentally damaging things we have, and hugely wasteful in many ways. Knowing how to be happy where we are seems to be something that a great many people these days have forgotten, and it's something that is tricky to grasp. The Tao Te Ching talks about this, and it's one of the beautiful things about it. So that is why I have no sympathy for the air industry losing out. We need to find a more sustainable, localised way of living or the human race will find itself economically and environmentally challenged.

But that is not the point of this post. I have no pictures either of the dust-scattered sunsets of brilliant colours, but I do have one photograph to share as a result of these effects.

I'm staying at my parents' this weekend, near Cambridge. Occasionally gliders fly from the small airfields around here, but today a total of three were making use of the thermals above the new town being built up here. Normally, the sky would be criss-crossed with vapour trails from jets overhead, but now it was just a broad, silent expanse of blue, with the long wings of the gliders arcing across it. Here's a picture I managed to take of this:


I wasn't able to capture all three in a single frame, but these two I hope reveal the beauty of those moments as I watched them.

(Actually, some single-seater powered aircraft were flying later in the day so the silence didn't last)

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Philip Pullman's conceited approach to the Gospels

[Very long. If TL;DR then scroll down to the "Conclusion" at the end!]

When I saw the article on the Guardian website about Philip Pullman's new book, The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ, I was intrigued - but also sceptical at first, about whether there would be anything worthwhile about it; I was all ready to write a scathing comment here! I still take the view (as evidenced by the unchanged subject line!) that the central idea of the book (that Jesus had a twin brother called "Christ") is basically a conceit by the author. the question is whether it is a worthwhile conceit, and whether he does anything interesting with it. After reading the extracts that the Guardian published, I decided I would have to investigate further. So I have read the whole book before reaching my conclusions.

I've already commented elsewhere on one particular passage that offended me. But the rest of the book deserves a full review.

The first thing I noticed was that the back cover has the words "This is a STORY" embossed upon it. This, I assume, is the author (or his publisher) declaring that he is making no claim that his version is a historical account or "what really happened" - this is to be viewed as fiction. The other thing about it, that I struggled to bear in mind as I went through the book, was a similar point to the one I found helped me in reading Ayn Rand's Anthem: "read the novel as divorced from any particular [political/theological] point." In the end, I think I failed to manage this when addressing Pullman's book: the fact that he took religious figures who are documented in religious texts and rewrote their lives made it a different kind of storytelling from that of Anthem, and (since I happen to believe in Jesus as the Saviour, and as the Son of God) this seemed much more immediate when it came to the religious points that Pullman was making.

Also, since he talks about what his aims were: "it's a story about how stories become stories" and "I ... wanted to tell a story emphasising the separate qualities of Jesus and Christ", it seems fair to look at how well Pullman does this.

Pullman's story seems to work most often with its basis as the text of Matthew (which uses 91% of Mark's Gospel), borrowing sometimes from Luke and rarely from John. As it happens, the borrowing from one another evident in the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) could be regarded as a later plot point (but I will get to that in due course). Matthew, according to the introductory notes in my NIV study Bible, was probably written primarily for a Jewish audience, with the intention of demonstrating Jesus' identity with the Messiah (i.e. that Jesus is the Christ).

I feel as though there are four (possibly five) natural divisions in the narrative presented by Pullman. Firstly, a possible "introduction", describing the origins of John the Baptist and Jesus and his twin brother. Then comes a section describing the two boys' childhood. Then there is the transition as Jesus begins his preaching. Then the brother Christ becomes the central character, and finally there is Passion Week and its aftermath.

The introduction uses elements that either Pullman has invented himself, or else comes from non-canonical sources - for example, the footnotes say that there is no evidence for who Mary's parents were; Pullman creates a whole chapter devoted to her birth and upbringing, and how she came to be betrothed to Joseph - none of which appears in the Gospels. Pullman basically takes the version of Matthew for the whole Christmas tale (only Luke and Matthew describe the Nativity; Pullman's version includes elements that only appear in Matthew, and he doesn't include any that only appear in Luke). This is the version where Joseph flees with his family to Egypt to escape the wrath of Herod. (Pullman's novel offers an explanation why John the Baptist, who would have to be a similar age to Jesus, was not also a victim of Herod's mass extermination of babies - this explanation, again, is not in the canonical accounts.)

So far, Pullman has basically put the familiar story into a modern storytelling style. It basically forms a preamble to the rest of the book. Given the style of the rest of the book, though, I feel as though it is strange that Pullman didn't use Luke's account, and didn't use the events at Jesus' presentation at the temple to set up what he wanted to do later in the book. The other point to note is that he sets it up so that the signs followed by the shepherds and presented by the Magi go to baby Christ and not to baby Jesus.

The second part of the book, dealing with the twins growing up, uses some elements that feel familiar but don't appear in the canonical Gospels; my best guess is that they are part of the tradition surrounding Jesus' life but not "official": I may have heard them elsewhere if that is the case. Of course, Pullman puts his own spin on them.

Here, we see the first part of Pullman's thesis that there is a "Christ" personality and a "Jesus" personality, and what Pullman thinks are the difference between them. Jesus is presented as a big, burly, boisterous kid while Christ is presented as smaller, weedier, even "nerdy" in his devotion to studies. Where Jesus appears to live for the moment and not think about the consequences of his actions (for others, or sometimes for himself) Christ is presented as considerate and eager to help. In the canonical story reinterpreted by Pullman, it is Christ who debates the rabbis at the temple, and does so in order to absolve Jesus of the crime of daubing mud graffiti on the temple wall; in the other stories told by Pullman in this section, Christ performs miracles and with the same aim: to undo the harm done by his brother, or else to absolve his brother of some innocent childish misdeed.

My feeling is that it makes much more sense in exploring a person's dual nature to show how those two sides co-exist in one person, rather than to split it into two. With the boisterous Jesus accidentally transgressing or even upsetting things and doing damage, how much better to show the other, kinder, side by having the young boy be shown the consequences of his error and then show contrition, and put right the misdeed?

At this stage I was expecting the next phase to be something like the partnership of Moses and Aaron: Moses, when commissioned by God via the burning bush, still did not feel up to the job; he recruited his brother Aaron to the team and set Aaron as the figurehead, the guy who could do public speaking. Moses himself was the one empowered to perform the miracles. They made a great team like that. So I was expecting the miracles to be performed surreptitiously by "Christ" while Jesus mimed it.

That idea soon hit the buffers.

The "climactic point" mentioned in the Guardian's preview is presaged in Pullman's reworking of the Temptation of Jesus. In the gospel accounts, the Devil comes to Jesus and tries to make him use his powers to break the Law of God. The order of the temptations is different depending on which gospel you read, but they are roughly: "you are hungry, why not command these stones be bread, so you can eat?"; "prove you are the son of God and through yourself off the mountain - he will surely send angels to save you!" and finally, "I will make you king over all others if you will worship me". Jesus replies that life is not just physical sustenance but spiritual well-being as well; that one should not put God to the test; and that one should worship God and no other.

Pullman places Christ in the role of the Devil. Christ, sent to bring his brother back to his family, talks to Jesus about what could be, if Jesus really is the promised Messiah and if Jesus becomes a preacher. First, he says "If you are going to be effective as a preacher, you will need food - use a miracle to make bread from these stones". Then he talks about using a miracle of surviving the fall from a high building as a way to make sure that people will believe; Jesus adds to the gospel answer that tricking people into believing would not have the desired effect.

Finally, Christ describes a great Church, headed by God's regent on Earth, so powerful that even governments and kings would bow to its wishes, with a hierarchy of priests and preachers to take the religion to every corner of the globe. In short, Christ describes the Roman Catholic church as his vision for the future. To which Jesus replies that such an organisation sounds like "the work of Satan" and would not recognise the Kingdom of God when it comes. He dismisses his brother, saying, "Worship God, that's the only task you need to think about."

This confrontation brings in the second major section of Pullman's book. It also signals the beginning of something that bothers me about Pullman's writing. In the first part, describing the youth of Jesus and his brother, Jesus is impetuous and unthinking of what happens to other people. Christ is thoughtful and his passion is to help others. In the second part, this seems to be reversed - although Christ remains quiet and reserved, he is now a scheming person who puts his own desires and schemes above doing what is just and right by those around him. Jesus, still impetuous and energetic, preaches consideration, care for others and builds his ministry around this. It doesn't sit easily with me the way that this transition happens, and it seems as though Pullman gets caught between two different ideas he wanted to explore, and he changed his mind which one he was going to work with for the rest of the story. Indeed, the two different ideas he mentions in the Guardian article seem to have come into conflict with each other. In the end he went with the "how a story becomes a story" idea, but that meant that he had to compromise the "Christ" versus "Jesus" personality to make everything fit. He also seems to end up asking too much of the gospel stories to flex around his preferred narratives.

The main themes of the second section are these:

  • Some early events in Jesus' ministry are deemed to be miracles, although possibly there were other explanations (Wedding at Cana, healing Peter's mother-in-law, escaping the mob at the Nazareth synagogue, banishing the "demon" from a man at a temple)
  • Jesus wants his actions to be kept quiet (remains so through the 3rd part too)
  • Christ watching as Jesus' reputation grows


Pullman is here setting out his stall for how Jesus the preacher becomes Jesus the miracle-working prophet of God. It is no different in kind from looking at how some vagabond band of robbers in Yorkshire become Robin Hood and his Merrie Men in Sherwood Forest, or how the military leader of a significant battle ends up becoming King Arthur. "Christ" in this part is an observer and relatively unimportant to the narrative, although his presence is important as a plot point later on. One thing to note: the "water into wine" at the Cana wedding is one of the very few elements drawn from John's Gospel.

The things that never get explained away in Pullman's book are the separate accounts of Jesus bringing people back from the dead (Lazarus in John, daughter of Jairus in the Synoptic gospels, a widow's son in Luke).

In the third section, "Christ" goes from being a passive observer to becoming the central character. Relatively early during the second section, a new character is introduced, described as "a stranger" (it is via just such a stranger that Mary learns of her coming pregnancy; it is not clear whether this is the same stranger or another). Where Pullman kind of implies that the stranger at Jesus' conception was just some punk kid lying to get to fuck the virginal Mary (i.e. it was not an immaculate conception), the stranger in part 3 is presented as being without doubt more than human: an angel, in other words. Although I would argue that, theologically speaking, this "angel" behaves more and more like the Devil as the story progresses! (In fact, this is parallel with how I feel about the character referred to as God in Pullman's "His Dark Materials"). The third section deals with the relationship between "Christ" and the angel character.

The angel commissions "Christ" to follow closely what Jesus says and does in his ministry. The point at which this tips from passive observing into active involvement comes during the Sermon on the Mount (I feel that Pullman uses a combination of Luke and Matthew in describing the Sermon, but not simultaneously: the first section draws mainly from Luke and the second from Matthew, it seems to me). Because Jesus is saying a lot of stuff, "Christ" takes some tablets and writes down what Jesus says. At an opportune moment, the stranger appears and commends "Christ" for this initiative. But where "Christ" says he does not want to make a mistake reporting it, the stranger says instead:

Sometimes there is a danger that people might misinterpret the words of a popular speaker. The statements need to be edited, the meanings clarified, the complexities unravelled for the simple-of-understanding... Keep a record of what your brother says ... so that we can begin the work of interpretation.


This introduces the main theme of Part 3. In the margin notes I made as I read the book, I have described this as the "author-voice" - it seems to me that Pullman is putting his own editorial stance into the mouth of the stranger to explain how the events became the story. But the author becomes a part of the story (and not just the teller) in this novel: it is through the stranger's words that "Christ" is tempted and pulled away from his loyalty to his brother and instead onto a different path.

One other character is introduced at this point. That character is known as Judas Iscariot in the Gospels, but here he is given the role instead of being "Christ"s informant on the doings and deeds of Jesus.

The thesis of the stranger (i.e. Pullman's author-voice) develops like this in the nex meeting between "Christ" and the stranger:

In helping me you are helping to write that history [of the Kingdom of God]. But there is more, and this is not for everyone to know: in writing about what has gone past, we help shape what will come. There are dark days approaching, turbulent times; if the way to the Kingdom of God is to be opened, we who know must be prepared to make history the handmaid of posterity and not its governor. What should have been is a better servant of the Kingdom that what was. I am sure you understand me.

...

I told you when we first met ... there is time, and there is what is beyond time. History belongs to time, but truth belongs to what is beyond time. In writing of things as they should have been, you are letting truth into history. You are the word of God.


And in the meeting after that:

... it's clear that a crisis in the world is coming, and because of it you and he [Jesus] both will be remembered in times to come just as Moses and Elijah are remembered now. We must make sure, you and I, that the accounts of these days give due weight to the miraculous nature of the events the world is passing through.

...

"You know how to present a story so its true meaning shines out with brilliance and clarity. And when you come to assemble the history of what the world is living through now, you will add to the outward and visible events their inward and spiritual significance; so, for example, when you look down on the story as God looks down on time, you will be able to have Jesus foretell to his disciples, as it were in truth, the events to come of which, in history, he was unaware."

[Christ speaks] "Since you spoke to me of the difference between them, I have always tried to let the truth irradiate the history"

"And he is history, and you are the truth"


Thus, the character of Jesus is set about with trap and snare by his brother and becomes a pawn in a game being played out by this stranger, through the means of the character Christ. Remembering the concept of reading it purely as a story without any political or religious significance, it is actually a very gripping narrative at this point, seeing the innocent and straightforward preacher being thus manipulated "for posterity".

But what strikes me as interesting is that Pullman uses this to give himself licence to rewrite Jesus' words as he thinks they should have been - doing precisely what "the scoundrel Christ" does in the novel! In the Guardian article:

The book contains manipulated versions of familiar episodes from the Gospels, including the Wise and the Foolish Virgins. According to Pullman: "I think my version is much closer to what Jesus would have said. The version in the Gospels is so different from what he said usually."


Pullman seems to have heard something different in that parable than I do, because the parable as it appears in Matthew refers to Jesus' statement that the Kingdom of God will come suddenly and without warning so we have to be ready always - something that in the novel, Pullman (through his character Christ) acknowledges is a common feature of Jesus' ministry. Pullman's version is about the character of the Kingdom, and the need for compassion for others.

At some points, again Pullman's divided sense of what he's doing with the book seems to show through: in some of the ways he rewrites parables or events from the Gospels he seems to be caught between his concept of exploring different sides of Jesus, and his desire to present what he thinks is more consistent. This shows through when things happen that seem to have his Jesus character acting in ways that seem more like his Christ character, and vice versa. An example is the rewritten version of Mary and Martha (the gospel version is found at Luke 10:38-42). Here, the gospel version (which, in Pullman's novel is composed by the Christ character) sounds to me more in keeping with Pullman's Jesus character; the rewritten version spoken by the Jesus character seems more like the logic and thinking that is used by the Christ character. As it happens, I wish Pullman's version were the "true" version but I don't think it is!

At one point during this section, Pullman seems to take a breather to insert some of his own thoughts about the nature of story, and storytelling - here, he sets up a neutral listener character (a prostitute with whom the Christ character is conversing, after "conducting business", so to speak). I feel as though here "Christ" becomes the medium for the author-voice. The element I want to mention particularly is just one sentence from this passage:

"There are times when I feel like a ghost beside him; as if he alone is real, and I'm just a daydream."


My margin note records the thought in my head as I was reading this: is Pullman referring to himself, and the way he feels as an author next to the characters he creates? Or is he just restating the central conceit of the novel, that Pullman has imagined (daydreamed) this "Christ" character? The first strikes me as interesting if he did mean that, because I can see how it would be easy to feel as though the characters have more reality to some readers than their creator does - compare, for example, with the ways in which some people relate to soap characters!

Moving onwards, I'm trying to skip over some of the theological questions from the Christ character not understanding the point of some of Jesus' parables. So that brings us at last to the Grand Finale.

I am sure I am revealing very little of importance when I say that Jesus gets deaded.

Given that there's a twin involved, and that Pullman has abandoned the miracles that he allowed through in the first section (when the twins were growing up) it should also be no surprise to learn (if you didn't already figure it out) that the resurrection is, in Pullman's novel, faked by substituting the twin brother "Christ" for the dead Jesus. Thus, the deception (in the stranger's words "inserting truth into history") is brought to its logical fulfilment.

The idea that the resurrection was faked or that Jesus hadn't really died, and that therefore the accounts of the crucifixion have details incorrect, is not a new one. The Qur'an suggests as much, for example. Once again, I am forced to remind myself that Pullman is not presenting a theory about what really happened but only telling a fictional narrative based upon the Gospels and his own concept.

It is in this fourth section that the satanic nature of the stranger becomes clear at last: the trap has been set, and now it is sprung, ensnaring both the Christ character as its spiritual victim, and Jesus as its literal victim. My feeling is that Pullman has set this up so that the Devil wins.

"Christ" is the spiritual victim because he is persuaded to act against his conscience by the stranger and convinced that he should be the instrument of his brother's execution: here, Judas Iscariot is innocent (although he flees the wrath against followers of Jesus); it is "Christ" who betrays Jesus to the Romans. The Devil wins because falsehood has been introduced into the teachings, and the church that the Jesus character described as the work of the Devil is built upon a lie created by the Devil - a foundation of sand, in the words of a parable not included in Pullman's book.

The interesting part for me is to watch the development of the Jesus character through this section. It is implied but not stated earlier in the book that the Jesus character has not received the spiritual revelation that he had hoped for after being baptised by John the Baptist. The section develops over the course, in Pullman's telling, of the Passion Week - from Jesus' entry into Jerusalem until his death of the cross. Through a series of firebrand speeches and actions (including the famous expelling the money changers and traders from the temple), Jesus seems to be more and more intent on attracting the attention of the authorities and setting them against himself. This, of course, makes it easy for "Christ" to do the work set for him by the stranger, of setting Jesus up as a martyr.

But my reading of this whole sequence is that Jesus wants to be put to death - in a way, he is committing suicide by cop, ancient Judea-style. This is because the climactic point is Jesus' prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. Here is where Jesus describes the church as something to make the Devil "rub his hands with glee", predicting that:

As soon as men who believe they're doing God's will get hold of power... the devil enters into them. It isn't long before they start drawing up lists of punishments... And the privileged ones will build great palaces and temples... and levy taxes on the poor to pay for their luxuries; and they'll start keeping the very scriptures secret... and they'll torture and kill anyone who wants to make the word of God clear and plain to all...


Jesus thus predicts the course of the Roman Catholic church through much of the past 1,500 years or so. As Pullman says in the interview:

"He is really speaking for me in that section," said Pullman. He added: "Of course I don't condemn speculative thinking, or organising people to help them do good, or setting up hospitals or giving hospitality to travelling strangers or educating people. But we have seen very recently how some aspects of all this can go wrong. People can abuse power.

"The greatest excuse in the world is that 'God told me to do it': hence the Crusades. Once you are appealing to an authority that can't be checked, you are doing something dangerous."


So those criticisms are Pullman's indictment of the Church. But, interestingly, it doesn't hold up against a comparison with Paul's writings. Pullman says in the interview that:

"I also read Acts and the Epistles and I was intrigued to see how much more Paul was occupied by Christ than by Jesus. I found this very interesting, and wanted to tell a story emphasising the separate qualities of Jesus and Christ, so I decided to make them into two characters."


So why is it that Paul, from whom supposedly we get this idea of the Christ character, speaks so clearly against all of the things described (for example, Paul makes it clear that the gospel is for everyone; speaks against gathering wealth to oneself; etc - indeed, Martin Luther's revolt against the Roman Catholic church came from reading Paul!). Paul seems to write with the voice of Pullman's Jesus character! For the record, I feel that the New Testament character who speaks most like "Christ" is actually Simon Peter, the apostle (and supposed author of 1 & 2 Peter of the Epistles).

In Gethsemane, this Jesus has a crisis of faith: he rails against a God whom, he feels, hasn't heard his pleas, hasn't communicated with him - doesn't exist, as far as he can tell. "You're making a liar out of me." he pleads to Heaven, "You've gone away, haven't you, you've abandoned us." I don't know if Pullman meant it this way - the chapter goes on to give a fair account of what I understand to be atheist spirituality - but it seems to me that Jesus, who gave up his career as a carpenter to devote himself to God and to teaching God's Kingdom, on reaching the conclusion that there is no God, would feel that his life has been a sham up to that point, and worthless. I can easily see how he might - when faced with the contrast between other people's expectations of him and his own loss of faith, might want to go out in a blaze of glory: that is, a vainglorious "suicide by cop". Pullman repeatedly through the novel substitutes "That's what you say" where in the Gospels Jesus says "It is as you say". When it comes to the trial, though - the only reason for doing this that I can find in the novel's character of Jesus is that he does not want to be acquitted: he wants to be sentenced to death. Similarly, if he is no longer preaching God's Kingdom then why would he refuse to let his followers defend him when the people came to arrest him? Only because he was expecting to be arrested and wants to be arrested, and presumably wants to be put to death.

To me, this was the single most poignant moment of reading the book, when I realised that. The second most poignant is when the Christ character realises he's been trapped and that the stranger has lied to him - but there's no way out now but to abandon any hope of any good coming from any of it (and of course, in my opinion no good can come of it; that's the elegant evil of the Devil character's trap for the Christ character).

So it passes, in the novel, that Jesus is nailed to a cross, and dies. Then his twin carries through the stranger's plan to get people believing that there has been a resurrection, even though "Christ" understands now that he has been deceived at least in one thing (and if in one, then why not others?) but that the only way Jesus can have any legacy at all (so he believes, having been deceived by the stranger) is for this plan to be carried out regardless.

The novel closes with a coda: Pullman talks about how the story develops and changes as it is repeated and spread around. Then, of course, "Christ" is given a final commission from the stranger, but one that he already is predisposed towards: to write up the "official" version of the story.

But as Christ sat and watched the stranger eating his bread and pouring himself some more wine, he couldn't help thinking of the story of Jesus, and how he could improve it.

...

There were a hundred details that could add verisimilitude. He knew, with a pang that blended guilt and pleasure, that he had already made some of them up.


The Christ character is torn between the realisation that the Jesus character's criticisms may in fact be true, but also the need to make something good come of it - and the pleasure of making a finished product of the messy raw material that life presents: the pleasure of making it into a story.

The body of faithful, the church, as he calls it, will do every kind of good, I hope so, I believe so, I must believe so, and yet I fear it'll do terrible things as well in its zeal and self-righteousness . . . Under its authority, Jesus will be distorted and lied about and compromised and betrayed over and over again. A body of the faithful? It was a body of the faithful that decided for a dozen good reasons to hand him over to the Romans. And here am I, my hands red with blood and shame and wet with tears, longing to begin telling the story of Jesus, and not just for the sake of making a record of what happened: I want to play with it; I want to give it better shape; I want to know the details together neatly to make patterns and show correspondences, and if they weren't there in life, I want to put them there in the story, for no other reason than to make a better story.


I suppose I should just leave it there. For these words could be as much about what Pullman does with the story in the Gospels, as much as it is about what Pullman's character does in the novel. But one thing I find interesting from reading my study Bible: the synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke) are very similar, to the point where direct "borrowing" from one another is suspected: one theory is that Mark was a source used by both Luke and Matthew. Another theory says that there was a single common source from which all three synoptic Gospels drew. The neat thing with Pullman's novel is that his story describes what that source was!

***

Conclusion:

I feel that Pullman's writing here gets caught between too many different ideas, as though he is trying to say too much for the material to support in one go. He has a cynical view of organised religion and wants to put that across (which results, I think, in the Devil-like qualities of the stranger character). He wants to talk about these two different sides of the Jesus character in the Gospels, and the way in which St Paul seems to prefer one to the other. He wants to tell "a story about how stories become stories". He wants to tell versions of Gospel parables the way he thinks they should have been.

But each of these different approaches interferes with and trips over some of the others. The sleeve notes of the novel say that it "asks the reader questions that will continue to resonate long after the final page is turned." But for me, the strongest questions were always "Why did the author do it like that?" Maybe this is because I have already studied the questions that Pullman was asking and reached my answers through study and faith. But also, I feel it is because of this collision of the author's different objectives.

As atheist commentaries on the Bible go, I think it has a lot more going for it than most, and the fact that it is framed clearly as fiction ("This is a STORY") and not a real theory of what really happened, mean that I don't feel offended by Pullman's thoughts.

This is already a very long post; but I feel that I could devote a post of commentary to each chapter of Pullman's book, and probably end up writing more words about it than are in the novel! There are good questions raised, that could have great discussion drawn from them (as I said, I already know what I feel my answers are, and the temptation is to spend more time than I can spare on explaining all of them!) but I think that I shall have to let them be.