"...and it never did me any 'arm"

"It never did me any harm."

I hatehatehate this phrase.

I can't really talk about the reasons for this post without breaking my solemn promise to myself not to talk about certain matters on any public blog space. As it is, I'm kind of bending the rules of that promise to make this post anyway.

On the training programme the Jobcentre have me attending, though, somehow it got into "what's wrong with kids today" and the tutor and a couple of the other members of the group were "of a certain age" and wouldn't you know - the tutor ended up coming out with this classic justification for violence against young people.

And now I am in tears because of it.

I honestly don't know how to deal with this situation, I feel too emotionally drained and bruised to handle it myself. I want to talk to her tomorrow on or after the course. Or I want to send an email tonight explaining why it was a problem for me. But I don't know if I can drag myself through the further heartache that doing so would involve. I don't know if I could deal with it if she didn't immediately understand my problem with it.

"...And it never did me any harm".

Fine. You came through unscathed. That's wonderful for you. But you don't get to make that judgement for any other poor sod who had to live through that shit. You lived your life, you dealt with it, fine. That's your truth. But you can't assume that the next person came through okay. And you certainly can't assume that the people you're suggesting should be punished this way would all be unharmed by it!

So, please, just STFU about "it never did me any harm", or I will be sorely tempted to do something that DOES do you some bloody harm. Got it?

***

In the end, I did decide to send an email. Here is a suitably-edited version (to comply with my promise to myself as far as possible). My activist streak prodded me into action!

I'm not sure how to raise this issue, but I feel like I have to deal with it somehow.

When I was head down on the desk and you asked me if I had a migraine, I was not completely truthful in my answer. Although I was truthful [about one cause], I had actually been deeply affected by the discussion earlier about physical/corporal punishment of children, particularly your laughing it off with "...And it never did me any harm."

[Specific stuff I don't want to talk about publicly, thanks] In general terms, I feel that people who have been victims of child abuse and have largely dealt with it in adulthood, should also be able to expect [Company] to be a "safe space" to enter and not have to deal with hearing things that could trigger panic attacks, flashbacks or other harmful episodes. I don't believe that customers of [Company] should be expected to disclose this sort of thing in their past, which means that you wouldn't know what sort of issues people might have around these potentially traumatic types of life experience. While I appreciate that you feel unharmed - maybe even helped - by the experiences you had, I don't believe that you can make that judgement for other people about their experiences.

I was unsure whether I would even be up to writing this email. I have truthfully been in tears this evening... For that reason, I felt that I owed it to myself (and to any other people who might have similar issues surrounding this topic) to let you know how it affected me and why I was unhappy.

I don't want to make any big fuss or get you into trouble over this, because I appreciate that it's not something that you would necessarily anticipate being an issue for other people, and because you have been a great help in many other ways. But at the same time, the issue is important to me, both on a personal level (as I've mentioned) and as an advocate/activist.

***

ETA: The tutor replied to my email promptly in the morning.   I did not have time to read it before attending today's session (26/11/2010) but from her manner face-to-face it was clear that she had taken on board my points and she handled herself very professionally.

Her email reply was as follows:

Thank you so much for your email. I most sincerely apologise for any
distress I have caused you. This was unprofessional on my part and for
this I am most ashamed and hurt that I have disappointed you. If you
want us to have a chat at some stage please feel free to ask me.

I am inclined to read this as being a cut above the frequent non-apologies that some people and organisations will give (and in my reply I complimented her on that point).   It is concise, there are no attempts at excuses, the lapse in professionalism is acknowledged.   While I'm not sure that it's appropriate for her to say she is "hurt" (being ashamed of the lapse is reasonable, I feel, but seriously, I was the one who got hurt here!), and the apology is more directed at the distress than the cause of the distress (and therefore misses my broader point), by accepting that it was unprofessional she has acknowledged that this is about what she said, not about my reaction to it, and there is a tacit commitment to be more professional.

I'm going to say that this is now resolved to my satisfaction.

***

I shall be far more restrictive about the types of comment I allow through on this post, as I am sure you can appreciate.