What if I'd gone home instead?

So this morning, I was thinking about the first-date I had on Saturday, and how it ended up with the woman I was dating (hereafter known as SNS, for "sweet newbie sub") inviting me back to her place for fucking.

I said "yes", but took some persuading, to the extent that observers might have thought I was playing "hard-to-get". The issue was simply one of money, in that I hadn't budgeted for travelling beyond London but only for getting home that same evening after we'd met and had a chance to experience each other's real-life personalities. It occurred to me even at the time that this behaviour, which ultimately asked SNS to put a price on my sexual company (though that wasn't my intention, her willingness to fund my return journey on Sunday was like that), was a mirror of the usual way in which a man is expected to pay for a date and the possibility of fucking the woman he's with.

Which in turn leads to the big question posed in the title: what if I had said (with fair justification, though obviously it wasn't a disaster that I didn't!) that I could not spend the night away because I had things that needed doing at home? In essence, what I if I had said "no" to sex? I don't intend to ask SNS that question directly, although I know she reads here and will doubtless see this post. I don't want to know her answer, for one thing, and for another, I have a certain amount of evidence already to go on to guess what she was thinking/would have thought.

But the thought remains that cultural and social construction of masculinity make it almost unthinkable that a guy would say no to sex when it's offered. In that sense, saying "no" must become coded as a huge rejection so that if a man has any interest in seeing her again, when a woman he's dating says "I want you to come back to mine and fuck me", he is taking a huge risk to turn it down. If she reads "rejection" then there's a strong chance of her not wanting to see him again.

Furthermore, because masculinity is performed, to say "no" for many men is unthinkable because of the loss of face with their peers (in most cases, there is no real risk, only a certain amount of ridicule to be endured, but even so there is a penalty that has to be paid).

So under normal social and cultural pressures, had I not felt ready to have sex with SNS, it would have been very hard to say no.

As it happens, SNS asked me the morning after, "You didn't feel I was going too fast for you?" which implies that she was nervous that I wouldn't feel ready yet (or possibly that I would think her a Slutty McSlut - but since we've been using that sort of language quite comfortably online already, that's not so likely) and might be pushed away by her assertiveness. She told me that she'd been planning to make her move for about an hour before she actually did, which points to the same fear of rejection, "is he ready?" I recognise this as a quandary felt by men (and in particular, from my personal experience) about how soon to ask a woman if she's interested in having sex with him, and again, that is the common social construction of this question: man worried about moving too quickly with a woman he's really interested in.

It just so happens that I was wondering how far I could push things on the first date to express the kink desire as well as romantic desire I felt for SNS. I suspect that the moment when I had put her in handcuffs in a secluded but public place was when she knew that I might well be up for going all the way, but that is for her to reveal, if she wishes. Both of us ended up pushing the boat out during our encounter, in a bid to find out how much interest the other really had and how far things might go. We both gambled, and both won.

This is a benefit, though, of being a feminist dating a feminist. And of having discussed in advance what things interested us both sexually and otherwise. We were freed to take that chance because the background of feminism served to mitigate against the cultural norms - she could bid for the sex she wanted because she knows that I would not think less of her for doing so. And when I expressed my doubts and she brushed them aside, her willingness to go so far in order to gain my consent demonstrated to me that her consent, her offer, were not plays based on the social construction of "I must win this man by any means necessary, even spreading my legs for him on a first date!" and instead were her genuine, "I wanna fuck! Let's go!!!" In turn, the plays that I made (like the handcuffs) were made based on knowing she had the tools to say "no" clearly, if she needed to, and on having discussed our interests in advance, openly and candidly.

Result? Two folks each wanting to fuck the other, and each getting what they want!