My Experience and Identity

This is a post I was originally going to write for the Carnival of Kinky Feminists, but I'm a couple of days late for the submission deadline. The topic is "experience", and I decided I would talk about the question of whether experience is all there is to identity or whether there's something else at work. As the call for submissions put it, 'was Brett Anderson really just being a wanker when he declared “I’m a bisexual who’s never had a homosexual experience.” ?' I also decided to talk about it from a personal viewpoint: from my own experience and identity.

On the right-hand column of this blog, there's a box that lists a whole heap of terms that I use to identify myself - it says "my sexual identity is:" but some of the terms are not terms that I tend to use in that context, but that I do use to self-identify in general (and thus, they play some part in who I am sexually). Anyway, the point is - what part does my experience play in forming my identity? As good a way as any to start talking about this question is for me to look at that list and think about what part experience plays in each of them.

I've broken the list down into some topic areas (plus a few terms I wasn't sure where to put). Of course, some terms could go in several different categories (for example, "cuddly" cloud have been a "personal quality" instead of being "a term for being fat"; "her Ladyship" could have gone under the "top" section as well as a term for my female side) - I put them where I thought they gave the best idea of who I am.

We can skip over some terms quite quickly: I'm "active" because I have had sex and hope to do so again in the future (I'm not actively having sex right now, and it's been a few years since the last time I did, but equally, I wouldn't identify as sexually inactive in the sense of celibacy either). I'm hairy because I have a lot of body hair. I'm "out-ish" because a few people know about my sexual identities but it's not something I'm ready for everyone to know straight away (there's a reason why I use my nickname online and not my real name). I'm a survivor because of these experiences, for example, and also because somehow I have managed to get through my life so far (thanks to help from friends and family as well).

The other categories worked roughly as follows:

• Political relation to sex
• Personal characteristics
• Types of kink
• Appearance (includes 'attractiveness' and 'being fat' as well as the 'hairy' identity already mentioned)
• Bottom
• Top
• Transgender
• Maleness
• Femaleness
• Gender/sex of partner

Politically, I identify in that box as "activist, ally, communist, feminist, pro-choice, pro-gay, progressive, sex positive". How much of this is belief, and how much is experience? It's difficult to say (except I do think that to identify as activist, you have to have experience of taking actual action).

Under "personal characteristics" I listed "assertive, caring, creative, dork, dreamer, friendly, geek, huggly, intelligent, introvert, knight, loving, nerd, odd, passionate, quirky, romantic, sensitive, understanding, weird, spiritual, shy, snuggly, soft, sweet, trustworthy, norty". Determining what part experience has to play in all that could take a whole pop-psychology book to unravel, so it's probably better not to try here!

Being fat and beautiful (the characteristics under "Appearance") - being fat is a matter of fact: I sometimes need to order trousers in my size because I go beyond what the local clothes store normally stocks! My experience of the world is in part shaped by the fact that I am a "tubby bitch". Being beautiful is about what I do with the experience of living in my body. Learning to love myself was essential to becoming attractive - seeing that I, as I am, could be attractive was the key to unlocking it, and that changed how I experienced my own reflection in the mirror and how I experienced myself through interactions with others as well.

Under "types of kink" were listed "BDSM, bondage, kinky". To unravel this, I'm going to talk about the terms for "top" and "bottom" and cover it in more detail there. I will look at "bondage" under both those headings. It's important to note that I do not identify as a "switch", even though I do identify as both bottom and top. Instead, I identify as "a Dominant who can enjoy submitting" and as being a sadist AND a masochist. I don't experience my kink as being "switch-y".

Under "top", then, we have: "dominant, daddy, mean, sadist, sir, top". "Mean" is a term some sub/masochist types have used to describe my sadism. I take it as a compliment in those terms! In terms of physical experience, these are the terms that have the strongest background for me. I have experience of tying up a partner, of being cruel to her (sadism), of being in command of her (dominant). I have played the role of "daddy" for one partner. I have been called "Sir" (and "Master") in real-life sexual encounters. But I identified as Dominant and sadist since before I knew what sex was, or had heard those terms - I just knew that was who I was. I didn't need to experience it for that to manifest itself when I did become more aware of sexuality - my earliest turn-ons were seeing heroines tied up in movies!

So, I didn't need any experience of doing BDSM to know I was a top.

Under "bottom", we have: "bottom, masochist, submissive." I have never had a sexual encounter as a bottom, so how can I identify this way?

Well, as a masochist, this much I learned about myself from experiencing it for myself. I don't know how else one would discover that pain can be a turn-on except by experiencing it. Although certainly, finding the idea a turn-on can be real without ever experiencing it in real life, and might be what leads a person to try it, it may well be that although the idea turns that person on, the reality is less pleasurable. So it has been through trying pain, and through choosing to experience it in a sexual way (in one incident, from which I still bear a mark, hot fat from the frying pan spat and landed on my bare foot; after the initial shock, I tried interpreting it in my mind as a sexual pain and discovered that it became pleasurable - this is how come the hot fat ended up leaving a permanent mark on my skin) that I learned that I am, indeed, masochist. In clothed play (in public!) I have experienced having pain inflicted by another in a sexually-charged way (scratching with a metal claw - mmm, yummy!) and in private and naked, I taught a submissive partner how to deliver a really good smack to the backside, tutoring her as she delivered her smacks to my own behind - that was fun too!

But what of "Submissive"? I haven't had real-life encounters in the submissive role, so how do I know that I have the ability to derive pleasure from such? And the same question goes for bondage: when it comes to trying it on myself, I have a very deep fear of not being able to get free again, so I can't try that on my own either. Maybe with both, all I can really say is that I am interested in trying it?

Well, with submission at least, I have played the submissive role in online-only roleplay via IM and IRC. Submission is much more in the mind than bondage or masochism, since it is about the way one relates to another person, so in some ways this kind of experience where it's all done in the mind and through text on the screen, is a valid way of exploring the emotional content of it. Some people don't find that it works for them, but for me, I get involved quite easily in imagined scenarios. Really, though, Submission is something that I would like to try in real life. But it's not really my identity as such: Submission is something I can enjoy doing; Dominant, sadist and masochist are all things that are integral parts of who I am.

What about being tied up or otherwise bound? I've already said I haven't experienced it (I've never been with anyone with whom it felt right and safe together to try it). All I have to go on are my imagination and memories of times when my movement has been restricted and it hasn't been a problem (there's plenty more situations where it is a problem). Again, it boils down to the issue with masochism in some ways: I don't know that I would like it, I only like the idea of it and want to try it. But again, wanting to be tied up is not a part of my identity the way that sadism, masochism and Dominance are.

On my own gender-identity, I have split the terms into three groups, each of which I think are distinct in terms of my experience and the way in which I identify that way. I've used the general term "transgender" in the list above, to cover both internal sense of gender and crossdressing; I do not identify as transsexual, and it would be wrong of me to do so, even though there is a physical sensation that sometimes goes along with the flip from feeling "male" to feeling "female". Some folks will remember that in posts about body image I have before mentioned wishing I had bigger breasts, and that's a part of it. Anyway, experience and gender identity starts with my maleness:

Identity terms I used for maleness were: "gentleman, Mr., male, male impersonator, man, man with boobs, XY". When discussing gender and sex, I firmly believe we do not experience genetic coding (otherwise there could surely have been no doubt on whether Caster Semenya, for example, was genetically female), so "XY" is an assumption I make about my identity rather than something I know for certain by experience: I could get it tested, I suppose, but I would never know unless I decided to know for sure. This uncertainty is a big part of how gender gets constructed socially!

Speaking of social constructions of gender, I identify strongly as a "male impersonator". The social role of being a male person is something that I struggle to perform, I always feel a contradiction between my real self and what I am supposed to be as "a man". I have to impersonate maleness in order to function in society. That is very much a consequence of my experiences in life and especially in the sense of experience as "what we do with the events". In a way, "Mr" as an identity is the name for the maleness that I am impersonating - it's the form of address for the social male in me, which in turn is the face that I have to present to be able to be accepted. "Gentleman" is another side of that - it' a role that I play that is keyed into gendered aspects of being (assumed to be) male, and although it's a role that I like to play, it is still an impersonation.

On the other side, there is "man", which is the term that for me reflects the bits of performed maleness that sit well with the person underneath - the bits that I don't have to perform because I am able to be just myself on those things: things like enjoying sports and science and such. It's odd, because not all of those things are things that I grew up having. I acquired my interest in sport in general only once I was out of my teens and experiencing life as an adult - I kind of grew into it. In fact, I believe that this was because I was able to cast off a different role I was playing that was a rejection of the stereotypical male role. Once I could do that, I could accept the parts of the stereotype that actually fit. I could change the way I experienced these things to something more authentic to myself.

The other terms used there are "male" and "man with boobs". Male for me means the sex I was assigned at birth and I'm happy to stick with it. Although I have passages of feeling like I should have the other sort of genitalia, I generally experience the world through male eyes - including social privilege that goes with others identifying me as male. I have a male body and I identify with it well enough that I am happy to call myself male and not think about it too much. Maleness is almost the backdrop to experience, so that it becomes invisible (except when my gender identity is doing something different). But "man with boobs" - I mentioned already about wishing I had bigger breasts; my moobs are noticeable as it is, and I like them. They are a part of who I am and I would be happier if I could keep them. They are a part of how I experience my body and part of what I like about it.

What, then, of identifying as female? I used only three terms in the side box, two of which are on some level tied to Dominance and the other is really not like those two: "girly, her Ladyship, ma'am". "Her Ladyship" is my Domme role preferred form of address. Lady Felicity Rosenthyme was the way that I found to be able to explore the desire to be female sometimes. By starting in a specifically kink-based setting, I was able to make it a shift by increments instead of having to accept it all the way all at once. Dressing as her Ladyship is a physical experience and a mental one, it puts me in a very strong place. I sometimes wish I could attend job interviews as Lady R, because she's got the confidence I find it hard to bring to such situations. It's another kind of playing a role, it's just that behind this one there's my female self instead of my male identification. ("Ma'am" is Lady R's less preferred form of address, but she'll accept it).

"Girly" is like the flipside of my female side from Lady R. While Lady Rosenthyme is a role to play, every part of that role comes from some characteristic that I already have. Feeling "girly" is like the other side of my female identification, and is a way I experience myself as well as present myself. One of my favourite things is when I catch myself giving my "naughty girl smile" in the mirror. In terms of experience, these things are ways that I interpret my own feelings - ways in which I experience them.

That leaves "transgender" identity, and that's where it shifts a bit from being experience as something internal and starts messing with the outside world. The terms here are: "boy in a skirt, crossdresser, gender blender, gender deviant, gender expressive, gender fluid, gender transcender, multigender".

However much I may wish it otherwise, I know that I am never going to be convincing as a woman; I will always appear to be a boy/man wearing a skirt/dress (and corset, and high heels, most likely). That is a fact, based on experience of trying it for myself. it's possible that professionals could make me look more convincing, but I doubt it would ever be something I could sustain for myself. Nevertheless, I persist in crossdressing, because it expresses that female identity that I discussed a little above. That's where "multigender" comes in: Lady Rosenthyme and my girly side are in essence two different genders (see again the post about Lady R linked earlier); as far as my maleness goes, I think that the different roles there (e.g. "Mr" and "man") also count as different genders. Then there's the expressions that are just "somewhere in between".

And, because the gender I feel myself to be changes, and generally doesn't conform to the binary definition of gender, the other expressions are all of a kind to describe that: gender _ "blender" (my self-identity blends all those genders into one person, me); "deviant" (because I deviate from the norms); "expressive" (because I express my own gender(s)); "fluid" (because it shifts and changes over time); "transcender" (trying to break free from the binary).

What does that all have to do with experience? I have never gone out in public while dressed as a woman - the "boy in a skirt" thing makes me afraid to do so because of the potential for abuse and/or violence. I experience the feel of being dressed, and how that makes me feel, and the desire to be able to go out in public (for example, going to job interviews dressed as Lady R!). But I do not experience being accepted as who I am when I am Lady R, or "Sucha", or any sense of myself as female. I get that acceptance only when I am in private, with a trusted companion, or when I post about it on this blog.

Finally, there's the sexual identity in terms of partner chosen. Here, I chose the terms: "heteroflexible, peoplesexual". Heteroflexible meaning (to me) that I generally choose female partners, but am open to the idea of having sex with men (as a man); "peoplesexual" meaning to me that gender of partner isn't that important to me. On equal opps forms for jobs etc I identify as bisexual, but that leads back to the question on the call for submissions, was Brett Anderson really just being a wanker when he declared “I’m a bisexual who’s never had a homosexual experience.” ? Am I being a wanker when I claim that identity? But then the question comes back, "what counts as a homosexual experience?"

Here's how I identify my homosexual experience: Looking at various men and thinking "phwoar, I'd do him!" My current favourite is Keith Hamilton Cobb, who played Tyr Anasazi in "Andromeda" (be honest, you'd like to get your hands on this bod too, right?). I posted a few images of others I'd like to have sexual experiences with before. (It bothers me a little that I still haven't posted any pics of White dudes I'd like to shag - it's not that there are none, just it's fallen that way so far in terms of posting pics *shrugs*).

For me, though, choice of partner in real-life (as opposed to fantasyland) is much more to do with BDSM role rather than gender anyway. Again, I have experimented online with imagined scenarios roleplaying with other male-identified persons, but that's not the same as trying it for real. I imagine what it would be like to suck another man's cock, what it would be like to fuck him up the arse (or have him do it to me), and it excites me. But would the reality be as erotic?

So, the identity question hinges on whether it is interest and desire that makes one bi, or whether one knows only by trying it? But then, no one ever asks a person how they know they're straight if they've never tried having sex at all, do they?

I was planning to write more in-depth analysis about what experience means, in another post. But I have run out of time, and my head is just not sorted enough to get those ides together. But I hope you've enjoyed this little tour through my sexual identity.