Introduction to Dating

Since I'm one of the admin folks for the Carnival of Kinky Feminists (submission deadline 1st June) I rather feel as though I should make an effort to provide a post for the first ever edition! The theme, appropriately enough for a first edition, is “introductions”.

I've already written on this blog about my introductions to feminism and kink (links are examples of such posts, there are others as well). I've also written a post about how kink and feminism worked together in one relationship. So I think it would be good to find some other interpretation of the theme. The kinky feminist carnival suggests “introduction to partner(s)” as a possible theme. Again, that feels in general like something that I've written about before in various posts, and besides, each introduction to a new (potential) partner has been unique, just as each person was, and finding common themes on which to hang an interesting summary would be almost impossible.

So, what kinky or feminist introductions thing could I talk about? Then I realised I haven't really written about my introduction to dating as a concept, as something you do ('nilla, kinky, feminist or anything). So here's a quick look at some of that lovely stuff.

I was later developing than my peers in understanding about sex and dating, it seems. I know that cultural pressures make it seem like that for most people, but I think it's true in my case, because I know that I was “accused” (that's certainly how the claim was presented - of course, it's not something I believe you can be "accused" of being, now) of being “gay” before I knew what that was (other than “cheerful, bright, happy”) when my prepubescent penis would get erections after swimming lessons while drying off. By the time I reached secondary school I was so shy of my body I had to wait until everyone else had finished showering after physical education lessons before I would go in there (but that's part of a different story) (secondary school = 11-16yrs old). So anyway, that implies my 10-year old peers knew what an erection means (to an adult – they clearly didn't know what it means about a prepubescent body just entering hormonal changes) when I didn't know.

At that age, of course, the closest you come to “dating” is in games such as “kiss chase” or “Love, like, kiss or hate” (victim has eyes covered, is steered towards another member of the class and asked to declare without looking, “love”, “like”, “kiss” or “hate” - the safest answer seems to be “like” unless it's the class pariah who's accused of having “germs”). I do remember being the second-most outcast kid (and going further along that line is something I promised myself never to do online).

I suppose the idea of “dating” first was presented as something relevant to my age group n(as opposed to being “that yucky thing teenagers do with girls!” - yes, sexism started that young) when I got to secondary school. But for me, it was still not something I was interested in. One of the girls in my class, I was told a year or two further on, may have had a crush on me – but I didn't notice at the time because I wasn't ready for that stuff. I was still 11 years old, still thought of girls as icky aliens who were weird and different from me and why would I be interested in them? Except I was kind of interested – I had the hots for Ace in Doctor Who and for Kate Lonergan as Maid Marian in “Maid Marian and her Merry Men” (a children's tv show that suggested that Robin Hood was a fop fashion designer who accidentally got caught up in Marian's resistance fighters and was mistaken for being the leader, when really it was Marian who was the brains and talented one in the outfit). I've mentioned both those shows with respect to my earliest memories of being interested in BDSM, too!

Sex was something we were first taught about in science classes when we were 12-13, I think. Dating wasn't covered until a year later. By that stage, I was beginning to get interested but was also painfully shy about the whole thing, convinced I was unattractive and hopelessly naïve. I remember Vanessa asking me to have sex with her when we were 14 and being a) convinced she was just teasing me and b) not actually that interested in having sex.

Later that same school year I plucked up the courage to ask a girl out, except I couldn't do it face to face, I left a note on her desk in science class asking if she would go out with me. She said no, and the story spread around the class – actually, even if they were taking the piss, the comments sounded positive – although the tone was “you're finally catching up to the rest of us”.

But now I knew that girls were interesting, that dating was interesting, that it was something you were supposed to do. I also knew that it was something I didn't know how to do, and really, there wasn't a lot of helpful advice for a shy, insecure guy like me.

So the next 8-10 years became my “Nice Guy” phase (and boy did I live that role to perfection!), and in that space I only asked one girl out, I was 20, she was 18, we were both in the cult TV club at university. I spoke with my sister on the phone beforehand and afterwards trying to decode what was going on (Yes, Greg Behrendt, guys do do that too! [you'll see what I mean when I get to posting that bit of the Not That Into You” series]). Sister decoded “I'll get back to you” as “she's going to ask her friends” - the answer when she did get back to me, again, turned out to be “no” in the end.

I've written often enough before about how discovering the online consensual BDSM community was in so many ways a huge relief for me, and how it opened me up to the possibility of happy sexual relationships. That, obviously, means “dating” too.

A few days after joining Informed Consent I had contact for the first time with a woman who was kinky like me, lived near enough to me that a relationship seemed possible – then on the day we'd arranged to meet she emailed me to cancel saying she'd got back together with her ex. Crashed and burned AGAIN!

A couple of months after that, however, I was meeting a woman in real life, face-to-face, on a date, for the first time ever. She travelled from London to meet me at a nearby own and it went well, though nothing except friendship ever developed from it. I remember being completely tongue-tied for the first 15 minutes, literally unable to speak I was that shy. But I had done it. I had asked a girl on a date and she hadn't turned me down!

I think I am still only just getting introduced to dating, and this is now about 7 years on from that day. I feel totally lost unless we've met via some kind of internet dating service or personal ads, and exchanged lots of words via IM and email beforehand. A story about a recent event that I have yet to tell (but intend to) shows just how nervous I am about the idea of approaching a woman and asking her out (i.e. asking for her phone number) after getting to know her at a social event.

So far, “dating” really consists of just a few distinct events in my life: meeting Julie a few times (our first meeting, which turned out to be “meet, go to mine, fuck, chat for a bit”; and a couple of munches we went to); meeting droplette (Julie's friend that she set me up with) once; and that first ever dating experience.

I remain confident there will be more. That eventually one of them will become more, will become a relationship, might even become (whisper it) marriage. I don't know when, who, where, even whether she will be kinky or 'nilla to start with (if it's going to go far, it will definitely end up kinky!) but I have to believe (again, following the advice Greg Behrendt offers – even though he's not offering that advice to men, cos he thinks we don't need to be told that stuff).

Dating is hard, but I live in hope.