"Not That Into You" chapter 9 notes

Continuing the series posting my immediate thoughts while reading through "He's Just Not That Into You".

Same abbreviations as before:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)



Chapter 9: …if he's disappeared on you.

Again with the "wait, people need this explaining to them?" reaction.

G.B.: making excuses for yourselves to keep looking for him again.

Excuses:

'Maybe he's dead':
Scenario: "Maybe he's hurt in a hospital, or I offended him, or he lost my last email"

G.B.: Much more likely he found someone else closer to home.

My advice: If he's in hospital, he will eventually get around to contacting you (and if he actually is dead/dies, then you need a medium, not a phone or email!) If he lost email, then again – if he's into you, he will eventually come back to find out what's up.

G.B.: Don't write again to give another chance for rejection, just move on.

Well, that would scupper my advice if he also takes the same perspective. I say give it a week, send again, and then if no reply – it's over. Can't help but picture him and her both thinking "well, I haven't heard from her/him so s/he has dumped me" when actually both were still into each other.

What I did when someone disappeared on me was send email "Haven't heard from you, is everything okay?" and left it at that. First time, turned out she WAS in hospital. Second time, no answer so moved on.

'But can't I at least yell at him?':
Example: "He disappeared, I found out from his friend he was back with ex. Can't I let him know he can't get away with that?"

G.B.: Sure, but he knew how you'd feel, he's an asshole not an idiot, hence vanishing act. Take moral high ground and just move on.

Total agreement here. It may feel cathartic to get it off your chest, but ultimately it will end up feeling grotty the morning after. Much better to move on.

'But I just want an answer':
G.B.: no answer he could give would make for a happy ending here.

Again, total agreement. He scarpered, and the "why" could only hurt more, not less.

L.T. 'Here's Why This One Is Hard':

Had wonderful thing, feel deserve some reason for it ending. Hard without closure.

But as G.B. would say "you really want to know the exact reason he didn't want you?"

"It's the toughest one of all to put into practice. But I definitely like the kind of girl who could do it. Good luck to us all!"

It's a good point, because there's always a temptation to ask "what did I do wrong?" and "what can I do better next time to make it work?" But so often that just ends up hurting and it's not something you can change, or s worth trying to change - because THAT would only hurt, too.

G.B. 'Here's what it should look like':
Admits disappeared on someone once – a year later, saw her again with someone new, she'd totally moved on – she was much classier than him!

Damn right she was much classier. And I think in general, the right sort of man partner is not going to behave this way so if someone does, it does mean "he's not that into you". However, again, this whole thing that G.B. assumes that every guy acts and thinks the way he does.