"Not That Into You" chapter 14 notes

Continuing the series of posts showing you how my brain works when reviewing a book (in this case, "He's Just Not That Into You").

Getting near the end now - finished the meat of the book, this is just the final flourishes to go.

N.B. common abbreviations used:

G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)


Chapter 14: Q&A with G.B.

Q. 1 - Are you sure I can't ask him out?

G.B.: "Do you really have time for a guy who's so afraid of you that he's not even capable of inviting you for coffee?"

Again with this. Look, if a guy's intimidated or scared to ask you out, it probably means that he actually gives a shit what the answer is. Why WOULDN'T you have time for a guy who cares what your answer is?

Q.s 2, 3, 4 – Are there enough guys out there/aren't I better off being with someone than alone?

G.B.: You can feel crap and lonely or crap with someone, but you still feel crappy, so give yourself a chance not to feel crappy.

So far, so good. Greg also thinks lots of men measure up to his standards, which may or may not be true. But lots of perfectly good and "into her" guys won't, and I think that's a problem.

Q. 6 - Can bad guy turn good?

G.B.: Anything's possible, but it hasn't happened in my experience.

I agree with this. I think people sometimes take a little while to get used to each other's needs, but in general if he's uncaring to start with, he'll stay that way.

Q. 7 - I always pick guys who are not into me?

G.B. "A lot of guys, good and bad, are going to fly in your direction. Which ones you pick to invest your time is is where you have your control."

Good advice, but again I'm bothered that maybe not all the "not that into you" guys are really "not that into you", because some just don't match G.B.'s model of masculinity.

Q. 8 - Sometimes he has real reasons why he's not in a serious relationship with me.

G.B.: "Not up for it' = 'Just not that into you'." Don't wait around, because "not able to be in relationship" = "not able to be into you".

Well, yes and no. Firstly, I read the question slightly differently, thinking it meant either "reason why he hasn't asked me out" or "reason why he needs to be on a break" (e.g. stress from work). G.B. might be reading it as "reason why he's putting off going to the next level". Everyone has hard times, and it isn't always possible to devote oneself as fully as needed to both, but still care and be deeply into someone. I don't call that "not up for it" (unless G.B. thinks that only permanently happy and successful people deserve relationships).

Sure, if all he's doing is going "not yet, not yet" with no end in sight, then yeah – that counts as "not that into you". And that seems to be what G.B. is saying. But not all situations are like that.