At the moment, I'm about 1/3 of the way through. What I intend to do, because the document is getting quite long already, is to make a series of posts about each chapter; I'll add links to each new post on this one as I go along (if I remember to).
I can't imagine anything I've got will be anything new, surely someone else must have had the same reactions as me and blogged about them - but anyway, I'm going to get it off my chest on here over the next few days.
For the record, the copy I found was the newer edition with two extra chapters; it was, specifically, an edition printed specially to be given out with 'Glamour' magazine.
- Notes on Chapter 1
- Notes on Chapter 2
- Notes on Chapter 3
- Notes on Chapter 4
- Notes on Chapter 5
- Notes on Chapter 6
- Notes on Chapter 7
- Notes on Chapter 8
- Notes on Chapter 9
- Notes on Chapter 10
- Notes on Chapter 11
- Notes on Chapters 12&13
- Notes on Chapter 14
- Notes on Chapters 15&16
- Notes on Chapter 17
Without further ado, then, we begin with the introduction and preamble segments of my:
Thoughts on He's Just Not That Into You
N.B. common abbreviations used:
G.B. = Greg Behrendt (author)
L.T. = Liz Tuccillo (author)
FYTP = Fuck You Too, Pal
The title of this book I first saw being used "in action" on the forums at Bondage.com, and judging by the date of first publication compared to when I saw it being used, I would guess that the people using it there were probably people who had read and absorbed the philosophy of the book. At the time I was very sceptical of the advice being offered by the (usually) women commenting, and I remain so. It was a year or two later that I found the book itself on Amazon (I'd added a couple of other "dating advice" books to my wishlist, so Amazon suggested this one as well). Reading the synopsis and a couple of customer reviews did nothing to relieve my scepticism. I am sure I am doing nothing new but I am determined to draw my own conclusions and look at this from a manefist perspective.
Introduction:
G.B. states: "I am an expert that should be listened to because of one very important thing: I'm a guy … Because I'm a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels and acts, and it's my responsibility to tell you who we really are."
"Mansplaining" justification, much!? Plus, WTF, he thinks all men think, feel and act the same way he does?
Statements:
- When a guy is into you he…
- calls
- wants to meet your friends
- can't keep eyes/hands off you
- will be up for sex even if he starts work at 4am next morning (even if it's as POTUS)
- Men are driven by sex
- Therefore, men not complicated and "things are crazy/ton of shit going on" is fake.
- Prefer not to tell because afraid of reaction ("We are quite sure you will kill us, yourself, or both – or even worse, cry and yell at us.")
Last point probably true (men not socialised to cope well with emotions – ours or anyone else's). Other two points much more questionable (for example, he may be into you but still knows he needs his job if he's going to pay the bills and stay alive and shit!) Anecdote in intro suggests that some men want to be sure you're into them as well, want you to call, then they will call back sometimes! Eyes/hands – just maybe he's got a sense of boundaries and politeness and NOT OBJECTIFYING YOU! (Admittedly, that's not very likely in patriarchal society but always possible.)
Preamble: You Are All Dating The Same Guy:
Statement/heading: "Hey. I know that guy you're dating."
List of common excuses:
- tired from work
- stressed by project working on
- just been through awful break-up
- parents' divorce gave him trust issues
- needs to figure out what his life is about
- just moved and needs to get sorted
- will dump wife/girlfriend/crappy job when things calm down
These are not all similar - and most can be worked through if he is into you! (exception is last one)
"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will disappear from your life."
Statement: Genuine excuses are rare because men would prefer anything to saying "I'm just not that into you."
Well, yes and no: e.g. maybe he disappears because excuse was genuine and he sees a partner who's not willing to work through the rough patches to make a relationship last?
Assumption that because some excuses are to avoid saying it, that therefore the vast majority are for that reason?
Whole thing assumes can deduce perfectly men's states of mind from afar, no need to try communicating with him openly. *Grr*.
I have this book too!
ReplyDeleteI read it all a long time ago... Something like shortly after it first came out.
I remember it being, not completely miserable - I think I'd read some concerns about it on another feminist forum & those particular concerns didn't even come up in the book. And something about just walking away, not dwelling on it too much if a guy won't commit.
But yeah there were def problems in it too, like you're seeing. Probably more problems than useful stuff or else you can get the useful stuff elsewhere.