Yesterday at the supermarket I had a panic attack. It was a mild one, not the full-on retching and doubled over and unable to function, and to be honest I don't think there were any obvious signs to the people around me of what was happening. But it was a panic attack and it was bloody frightening.
Not least because there was no obvious reason for it. I don't think it was because I'd just totted up the cost of the things in my trolley and it was already over what I was expecting to spend. There was too much of a gap between that and when the symptoms started to hit.
Out of nowhere, my heart started to race and it felt as if I was quivering all over (although I'm fairly sure I wasn't actually shaking, it certainly felt like I was. My animal brain was sending fear signals all over the place. I had to work hard to keep control of my breathing, and I tried to use slow, deep, breaths to calm myself but that didn't help. It was as though my whole body had suddenly started to respond to my surroundings with "Where am I? What am I doing here? Shit, this isn't right - I've GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!" And my higher self, trying desperately to calm things down, felt like it was fighting a losing battle. I kept myself calm on the surface, and I even managed to continue and finish my shopping, I kept that much of a lid on it externally, but all the time this turmoil and panic was flooding my system and I couldn't do anything about it.
Eventually, I finished the shopping, paid for my groceries, and went and sat down outside. I took a long while just sitting and drinking some mineral water I'd bought, and letting the inaction and the comfort of drinking start to take effect. I was probably in that panic state for at least 5 minutes, and it took me probably twice that long to come down from it enough that I could get home. It felt like a much longer walk than usual, because I was still feeling worn out from it all.
In some ways, the panic attack didn't feel like a panic situation at all, but rather it felt like the aftermath of a crisis. You know how sometimes you're in a high-stress situation, and you just have to act? But then when the crisis has past, your body collapses and the stress of it all comes over you. It was that type of sensation.
It's very scary when this sort of thing happens. I'm glad this is a rare event for me.
Friday, 22 May 2009
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The other day, I was trying to describe the feeling of a panic attack to someone who had never had one, and was asking what it was like. And I found that REALLY difficult. I wonder if it's one of those things that can't be completely understood without firsthand experience.
ReplyDeleteWas the fear you felt fear of your own death?
ReplyDeletefucking A, and when it's out of nowhere it's almost scarier - I can comfort myself when they're triggered (most of mine are), because I think I can try to avoid them - but those ones that just happen, you never feel safe.
ReplyDeleteCPP:
ReplyDeleteI'm a little puzzled at the meaning behind that question. Are you trying to gauge the severity (or even veracity!) of the panic attack? Are you making some kind of a joke about it being in a supermarket? Or something else?
Anyway, for the record (and as implied in the OP) there was no specific thing of which it was a fear: it was my body reacting with a crazy overload of fear in a totally confused way (which is why I said it was saying "Where am I? What am I doing here? Shit, this isn't right - I've GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!") - my higher brain functions were all saying "there is no reason to fear".