Rage against the Medicine

THIS POST INCLUDES GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF DEATH - READERS OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION, OR UNDER THE AGE OF 18, SHOULD NOT READ ANY FURTHER! PLEASE DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE EASILY DISTURBED, OR ARE LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED BY THE SUBJECT MATTER

(NB: The title of this post is a play on the title of Nine Deuce's blog, and "medicine" is a reference to how Nine Deuce appears to be suggesting we "cure" kinkiness)

I've been away for the past few days, and not kept up to speed on the goings on on my favourite blogs. So it was with some shock and dismay that I read this, this and this (first to at Renegade Evolution, last one at Trinity's LJ).

I am not going to link directly to Nine Deuce's post or comments thread - I haven't read them, and I have no intention of doing so. The quoted remarks in Trin's and Ren's posts are quite enough to have me incandescent with rage and fury, most particularly, this one, wishing me dead because I'm a homosexual sadist:

If you have that kind of dark side, it might be best to leave it unexplored. Or kill yourself (if you’re the customer, that is).

I have a tag called "fierce"; I use the term in my blog header. My header pic is a stylised pic of me wielding two handguns. Just recently I posted a remark that my initial reaction to a hate crime against women was a desire for the perpetrators to find themselves sent to prison where they could meet some "real" men of their own, who would "do rape" on their arses. (Please note, I did immediately afterwards say that this is not what I genuinely wish to happen, because we will not end rape by wishing it on others.) I mention this reaction to clarify what sort of anger and vengeful reactions I can have. I mention it also to put into perspective that the rage and fury that I feel about the above remark makes the emotion behind that reaction pale into insignificance. I am ferociously angry.

I would like to point out to ND (but won't because that would mean actually going over there, and my rage is not the type that should be allowed into direct contact with its instigator) that it is not so very long ago that it was common to find such attitudes as that being made about homosexuals (which point I've made above with my use of the [strike] html tag). Hell, the crime of which Joan of Arc was found guilty, and for which she was burnt at the stake was wearing male clothing. Yes, putting people to death for their gender or sexual orientation has a long and ignoble history, ND.

The only difference between you, ND, and the fuckers who murder homosexual folks, transsexual folks, or even female folks, is that you're demanding that the people you hate do the job for you instead. You want me dead? You're going to have to fucking well come and do it yourself. Look me in the eye. Listen to me plead for my life. Watch as I put my neck on the chopping block and wait for the axe to fall, trembling with fear. Or maybe you'd prefer to draw the knife across my throat as you hold my head back (I have long hair, that would make it a lot easier to do) - feeling the muscles in my neck strain against you, the last panicking gulps as I wish desperately for a way out. Maybe you don't like the sight of blood. Maybe you'd rather place the noose around my neck, watching my helpless eyes as I struggle vainly against the ropes binding my wrists behind my back, my ankles to one another, until you pull the lever and I drop to my death. I don't know, maybe you couldn't bear to hear the sickening -crack- as my neck breaks, couldn't bear to watch my body dance and twitch for a few minutes more as it dangles on the end of the cord. Could you instead face the smell of my flesh burning in the electric chair (or, hell, maybe you'd choose to do to me what they did to Joan of Arc?) Would you listen to my dying screams? I'm sure you wouldn't want to give me the dignity of dying as Socrates did, by forcing me to drink poison, but maybe some sort of injection would be easy enough for you? Maybe you could stand to watch as all my muscles simultaneously clench, and expel the air from my lungs in a dying gasp? To see my hands grasp uselessly at my fleeing life?

Do you still believe the lie, "dulcis quod mitis interficio pro vestri potissimus"?** Is this feminism? Are you of the philosophy of Louis-Antoine St. Just? Will your feminism demand "a mattress of corpses"? IS THIS WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE WOMEN BECOME!?

You call me sick, you say that I should consider suicide because I have a dark side, and because I do not repress it but explore it in safely controlled ways. I admit it: I have sexual fantasies about murder and torture - those scenarios I described above (apart from the lethal injection) are derived from some of my sexual fantasies - but in those fantasies they happen to men and women who never existed and never will exist. At my NSFW blog, I have written about or created images of, some of these fantasies.

And yet, ND, you are the one wishing death and abuse on real, living, people here. You are the one who sees nothing wrong with that. If you can stomach the idea of slaughtering the thousands of kinky folks who enjoy Kink.com, or even harder BDSM porn, if you would be willing to do it yourself, could listen to their pleading, and then their screaming, and feel that you had done a good thing by doing it, then you are truly a sick and twisted individual, the likes of which should be locked away for the safety of society.

And if you couldn't stomach the idea of doing it yourself - if the idea of that carnage actually makes you fill ill and queasy, if the idea of finding the dead body afterwards, clammy, cold, lifeless, maybe lying in a pool of blood, maybe dangling from a light fitting, maybe brains and bone and blood spattered across the wall behind them, maybe left for a day or two, the flies or maggots crawling through the viscera, is enough to make you balk; if the thought of being the one to go to that person's parents, brothers, sisters, significant other(s), children, and explaining what happened to their loved one and why, makes you pause and wonder - if any of that troubles you at all...

Then maybe you can see why I hate you for even suggesting it in the first place. Even if you meant it as a joke, that's a joke about killing me. Jokes about rape are not okay. Neither are jokes about killing people (or asking them to commit suicide) for their sexuality.

I will confess, a fantasy punishment for ND came to me as my initial reaction (like the male prison rape reaction I had to the defaced poster incident) to reading about the "kill yourself" remark. However, because it is purely fantasy and has nothing to do with what I would wish on any real life human being, I shall keep it to myself.

I shall say this, also - research shows that a common thread in serial killers is a history of sexual repression; that is, of forcibly "not exploring" aspects of their sexuality. I have written before about how it was only when I tried to repress or deny my darker side, that it presented any danger to myself or others, and that expressing and exploring it has enabled me to engage with it safely. Ignoring it or repressing it won't make it go away, it's a part of who I am, and always has been.

** Translation: "[it is] a sweet and noble murder for your ideals."