Go Go Jo Jo of "and we've replaced statements like 'It's all good' w/ revolutionary cries" writes a piece called, Black Feminism and Bodily Integrity. (NB, I found this via the Tell It WOC Speak blog carnival, which looks like it has lots of great links in it - go check it out!)
Obviously from the title, that's not a post about depression. It's about a concept called bodily integrity. The majority of the post, naturally, focuses on what that means for a WoC in a racist, sexist society. But it starts with a definition of what the term "bodily integrity" means to the author:
To me, one of the cornerstones of any kind of feminism is the issue of bodily integrity. I define bodily integrity as the ownership of one's own body and ability to determine what happens to it, how it happens, and even why it happens.
That was instantly problematic for me as a sufferer of depression (yes, I suffer - it may be un-PC to use that term to describe people with mental health problems, but dammit, yes, I suffer, and will say so). Amber Rhea writes of depression, "[It] makes you feel like someone other than yourself. Your body has betrayed you and there’s nothing you can do to make it stop, even though logically you might know what’s happening." Caroline writes, "...you’re consumed by it. That’s the fucking point. And you can’t fucking help it." (We'll come back to Caroline's post again in a minute).
When you have depression, you don't have bodily integrity like Go Go Jo Jo talks about. And depression is hardly the most dramatic illness of which that can be said. I don't want to talk about any other illnesses, because - never been there, not my place to interpret others' experiences for them (I'll flag up ME as one example I've seen first-hand in another person). Depression is what I know, and where I've been.
"ability to determine what happens to it"
I don't got that. When depression strikes, sometimes all the determination in the world isn't enough to determine what I'm going to do with my body that day. Depression robs me of that. Certainly, it limits the options, limits what I can or can't do.
"how it happens"
Again, you're a lucky depressive if you have a say in how stuff happens in your own body when you're depressed. The best say we get in how it happens is to take the medication that lets us take back some semblance of the bodily integrity of which it robs us. Choices? Determination? Not so much.
"and even why it happens."
We know why it happens. It's something to do with little chemicals in the brain getting all out of key and going nuts or not doing enough. No fucking choice in that department. We get to do what we can to correct the imbalance by taking tablets, and using talk therapy as much as possible, but it doesn't matter how much you do, it's always influencing everything, your only option is to battle through as best you can until it clears up again. And then prepare for when it comes back.
On top of that, there's the social reactions that Caroline in particular discussed in her post. This, I guess, is closer to the issues that Go Go Jo Jo was discussing in her post, but again, this is not about colour (cos that's not the life I've lived) it's about depression (which I have).
Caroline writes:
...the sanctimonious bullshit people, “friends” (oooh, scare quotes!), spew out like they have a fucking clue… “You need to get a grip”, “pull yourself together” (that old chestnut), “you need a routine”, “get a job, get a hobby…” Get something that shapes your life, something other than the thing that consumes you.
...
The resentment of others is a natural response to their interfering and the opinions. It’s like some people take the opportunity to assert their superiority, and it’s like people think they know you, own you, have a right to express their worthless bloody opinions. Each depression is the same, apparently. All one great big black tidal wave, one massive barking black dog, one [insert your euphemism here].
...
Some people still think it’s perfectly reasonable to attempt to take control of my life “for my own good” and I have to battle so much against this.
...
Everyone has an opinion, and everyone assumes they have a right to express it. Everyone thinks they know because they’ve once been sad. Everyone has the solution.
No respect for bodily integrity for people with depression. Now, at the extreme end, I guess there's a case for saying that a suicidally depressive person needs to be restrained, because it is a bad choice for hir to make, but the sense of entitlement to govern our lives and assumption that they know best about our lives, there is no justification for that. Now, for some, having someone there to be supportive and determined on our behalf is a good thing (that's what my other post is going to be about) but there's a key thing about that, which is that we get to choose who that person is - or be that person ourselves (that's a theme that's developing in Get It Done When You're Depressed). Just because we're depressed and we've told you about it, doesn't mean we want you to be that person!
Obviously, we can do something about the social denial of bodily integrity experienced by people with mental health problems (incidentally, in a comment here I abbreviated "people with mental health problems" to PwM, by analogy to PoC, PwD, etc - I know some people like the term "neuro-nontypical, too).
But the effects of depression as an illness can only be mitigated, not erased entirely. If bodily integrity is as defined in Go Go Jo Jo's post, then it's a right that we just don't enjoy to the fullest extent; and what's more, that others with different illnesses have to a much lesser extent.
Which brings me back to my inital statement that as someone who suffers the efefcts of depression, I found that definition problematic.
I don't find Go Go Jo Jo's definition of bodily integrity problematic, but I understand how it's possible to see it that way (hell, you even quoted me as an example of what makes you think it's problematic!). But I see bodily integrity in action w/ depression in that the individual has the ability to determine how to treat their depression. The counter-argument, I know, is that sometimes depression renders one basically immobile so that even seeking treatment does not feel feasible - and for many people, they *don't know* treatment is an option. However, I still think bodily integrity applies here, and part of it is personal... My ex confessed to a couple's therapist that we were seeing together that zie saw me as "weak" and "fragile" due to my depression. I resented being cast as a victim and helpless. I never want anyone to paint me that way, as part and parcel of depression.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts, Amber.
ReplyDeleteI definitely see where you're coming from here, and I think it's a matter of semantics, and different people's connotations for certain words. For example, just the word "integrity" rang false for me, because when I've got that sense of the "broken mountain bike", it's very hard to feel that my body is integrated, or that it's integrated with my mind, at all - so to me "integrity" just feels like the wrong word. Similarly, the terms I picked out as troubling for me, I interpreted in quite a biological sense rather than a social sense, which I suspect is what Go Go Jo Jo and you both read into them. For example:
My ex confessed to a couple's therapist that we were seeing together that zie saw me as "weak" and "fragile" due to my depression. I resented being cast as a victim and helpless. I never want anyone to paint me that way, as part and parcel of depression.
Is definitely talking about social rather than biological/personal issues, it seems to me. And I would certainly agree that, even if I don't feel in full control of my body, I'm buggered if I'll let someone else with even less connection to it be in charge!
I am much more attached to "ownership" (which word Go Go Jo Jo used in her initial definition). That word feels much more about the things I can control than about the things I can't. If we talk about bodily ownership, I can see it in terms of management, of oversight, of direction.
It enables me to feel like it is about being the ruler, even if the body itself is a bit unruly (the depression then becomes a form of civil unrest or something, I suppose!) This is something I don't feel with the word "integrity", or with the conditions that Go Go Jo Jo described.
NB: that's "management" like managing a company, so you decide what resources you want/need and figure out how to get them in, to get the best out of the company, to meet the demands on it (company == your body in the analogy).
ReplyDelete