I am NOT "house-trained"

Over on Feministe, there's a great thread going about "What Does a Feminist Relationship Look Like?" and asking the questions:

How do you work feminism into your relationships? Do you think it’s even possible to have a fully feminist, egalitarian heterosexual relationship? Are there rules you follow, or red flags? How much do you compromise your beliefs in order to find and sustain love? And, this is me adding to the question, but how does this play out in same-sex or otherwise non-traditional relationships?

The responses have been very interesting to read, and it's well worth checking them out.

I wrote a response about needing a Submissive partner to be also a feminist partner (or at least, latently feminist in her attitudes, even if she doesn't identify as feminist herself), but then I added the following passage, because it's a relationship issue on gender equality and gender roles that I actually feel quite strongly about, and I'd like to flag it up on this blog as well:

*****

One thing that, as a guy who’s learnt enough skills to be able to contribute properly around the home (cooking/kitchen work especially, also laundry and ironing shirts - not so much tidying and hoovering, despite my best efforts to improve my skills there) - one of the big “red flag” things for me was when a woman observed me contributing in a place where I’m living (it was usually when I was living at my parents’ home) and says within my earshot to my mother (or some other female acquaintance of mine), “I see you’ve got him well house-trained”. Sometimes it’s even been said to my face. It’s a different effect when men say something similar, because they’re just likening me to a woman (since I believe women are equal to men, I don’t have a big issue with that to take personal affront - although I might very well speak up to say that everything I do is manly, because I am a man!) When a woman says it, it not only affirms the patriarchal gender roles, but is also a direct belittling of my choices, and says that I do not deserve respect because of it. Whether she identifies as feminist or not, that’s not going to fly with me as a statement of gender equality or egalitarian living.

Viewing men as needing to be trained, tamed and/or "made acceptable", almost as if we are animals, is not feminism. It's gender essentialism and legitimises the "boys will be boys" approach.