Why Do People Cage The Things...

[NB apologies in advance for the use of TLAs in the following]

After my post about Michele Welborn, I've been thinking about other songs and singers that have had a big effect on me and my philosophy of life.

I've never met Brian Bedford, although several years ago I saw him perform with Artisan at a local folk festival. His songs, however, have been a great source of wisdom for me, and one in particular I think carries the central paradox that lies at the heart of the BDSM relationship (it's not written with that in mind, but the sentiment is one that can apply to so many areas of life).

The song is, "What's the Use of Wings":

I think I heard them tell me that they love me / they would care for me forever so it seems / But what's the use of voices with no freedom / And what's the use of living others' dreams.
Why do people cage the things they love the most / Is it simply that they fear to be alone / If you give your love its freedom it may stay a while / If it leaves you it was never yours to own

The BDSM part is that last line: "If you give your love its freedom, it may stay a while/ If it leave you it was never yours to own". This, I think, is the central paradox in bondage, and in Dominant/Submissive relationships. Even though we do love to cage the ones we love the most (or be the one being caged!) the moment the consent is gone, it's over - if you give your love its freedom, it may choose to be locked up and caged and tied and bound and whipped and caned and all the rest of it - but the moment he or she says, "stop!" (or more likely, "RED!" or another safeword - sometimes "stop!" means "I'm loving it too much!") then it stops.

And, no matter howw much a Big, Bad, UberDom insists he owns a woman (or indeed, UberDomme insists she owns a man) - if he/she leaves you - they were never yours to own.

"But," I hear my faithful reader reply, "Why did you quote all that other stuff from the song? What does that have to do with this?"

Well, there are two things: the "care for me forever so it seems" thing is something that, as a BDSM Dominant I have to be wary of - I know I have a tendency to want to be a "Healer-Dom" but it's an unhealthy relationship style and actually seeks to make a submissive dependent upon the Dom, so that's one lesson to be learnt from the song. But the full passage, I think, refers to those who are opposed to BDSM.

Whether we are talking about the Religious Right Moralisers or the Radical Feminist Enforcers, there is a clear undercurrent (and sometimes, overcurrent as well...!) when they talk to the women involved in BDSM, the sex industry, whatever, and they say to those women, "We love you, and we will look after you."

And I watch, not involved in this debate, but seeing what goes on (because it does affect me, too). The messages that, for example, Renegade Evolution receives from both RRM and RFE commenters are clearly of precisely this type, and moreover, the answer in the song is the same retort that is appropriate to those women (and men) who tell her that they are only interested in protecting: "What's the use of voices with no freedom, and what's the use of living other's dreams?"

BDSM is not everyone's dreams. Most people do not get the same thrill as I do, or my past girlfriends do, from being smacked, whipped, flogged, tied, and the rest of it. But then, we don't get the same thrill as those "most people" do from nice, soft, gentle, "making love". That "making love" is someone else's dream, but it's not Julie's, it's not mine, and from what they've said, it's not a lot of other folks' either. We won't live your dream of egalitarian sex with no power-exchange, it just doesn't work for us.

And in the end, it comes down to that question, "Why do people cage the things they love the most, is it simply that they fear to be alone?" Could it be that the RFEs who claim to be all about love and respect for women, are actually afraid that they're the only ones who like it Their Way, and for that reason they need to cage everyone else's sexuality so that we will all be Good and Right and The Same As Them?

So the heartfelt plea that seems to underlie so many of the responses to the RFEs is the same as that in the song: "If you give your love its freedom, it may stay a while, if it leaves you it was never yours to own". Radical feminists take note - you may love womankind, but if womankind doesn't want your kind of loving, you cannot force them to behave as you would wish. Just as women do not belong to men (despite the Patriarchy system that tries to enforce such ownership), neither do women belong to Radical Feminism, to be told what to do by them. Why must you cage what you love the most?